Well.  Here we are.  Almost done with P90X.  And I’ve gotta confess…I’m feeling a bit Stockholm Syndrome-ish about the whole thing.  I mean, how can I face the exercise world WITHOUT Tony?  Can I really continue with any sort of competent, self-directed exercise plan ON MY OWN??  How can he just abandon me after all we’ve been through together???  Whatever will I DO without my daily Tony Horton fix?!

But then I remember that I HATE Tony Horton.  So it can’t be Stockholm Syndrome after all.  It’s the lesser known “I Hate Tony and his Mother F***ing P90X” Syndrome.  So it’s a good thing this b.s. is wrapping up asap.

In the meantime, you know what is the most horrible thing in the world?  The fact that we have to do my most-hated routines (Core Synergistics and Yoga) twice EACH in this final, thirteenth (surprise!) week of P90X.  You know how I feel about Core Synergistics because I’ve already blogged about it here and here.

But we never did get to discuss Yoga X, did we?  Until NOW!  (mwa ha ha – evil laugh)

First off…Yoga X is the most dreadful hour-and-a-half on the face of the earth because it takes AN HOUR AND A HALF!!!  Kiss my fat, untoned a$$, Tony!  I do NOT have that kind of time to spend with you!!

Secondly.  If you make me do one more of your deadly Vinyasas?  I’m gonna shove it in your upward (AND downward) facing dog!!!

And speaking of dogs.  That part where we go from Plank to Chatarunga to Upward Facing Dog back to Downward Facing Dog?  Yeah – that part where Tony said we could do push-ups in between all of those moves – or not??  Uh….I always chose NOT!   Duh.  That was a no-brainer.

In fact, if we skipped all of the parts where you could do a move – or not – we could essentially wrap the whole thing up in 16 minutes.  Instead, Tony drones on and on in his creepy kindergarten-teacher-fighting-for-calm voice.   Ooooh-kaaaaaay boooys annnnnddd girrrrrrlllllzzzz.  Time stands still.  And I feel like I’m caught in a never-ending New Year’s Eve countdown.  I glance constantly at the time countdown clock in the corner of the screen.  Which never actually seems to move…….

“Nowwwww Kidddzzzzzz, place your left foot on the greeeeeen circle and your right hand on the redddddd circle and reach underneath yourrrrr legggg and grab your Thirrrrd Eye.”  At this point I remember that I can’t do this move because…that’s right…I’m not a FREAK in the TONY HORTON FREAKSHOW!!!

Gaaaah!!!

There’s even this one part where you literally feel like you’re balancing yourself on your pinkie finger and pinkie toe (of your right hand and right foot…not even a right hand/left foot “alternate sides” sort of thing – which might give you a little stability for fu**’s sake) and you’re sweatin’ like a MOTHER and you’re pretty sure there’s a spider running in between your boobs (of course, you’re HOPING it’s just a trickle-of-sweat, but it sure-as-hell FEELS like a spider) and that circus music starts in your head.  Slowly at first.  And then it builds to a crescendo.  Duhn   duhn   duh    duh    duh    duh    DUHN    duhn  duh duh….DUHN duhn duh duh duh duh DUHN duhn duh duh.  DUHN da da DA!  DUHN da da DA.  Duhnduhduhduhduhduhduhn!!!!  And you’re wobbling back-and-forth like an SOB and now you know for a FACT how that poor elephant feels.

Which elephant?  You know.  That elephant-in-the-circus-who-precariously-teeters-around-on-that-little-ball-for-everyone’s-amusement??  Yeah.  That one.

At which point Tony’s voice breaks into your revery,  “And that’s the end of moving poses.  Now we’ll do FORTY MINUTES of Standing Poses.”

Whaaaaa?!  Whaaaa the FAAAAAHHHHHH?!??!  BLEEP!!  BLEEEEEEP!!!!

Despite my reaction, Standing Poses are not (really) that bad.  It’s just that you’ve gotta do them for forty minutes.  After you’ve already done MOVING poses for FIFTY!!!  And while I can do Tree Pose “all day long” (Tony’s words, not mine), Royal Dancer is actually my fave.  During Royal Dancer, I begin to smell this fug coming off my clothes which is reminiscent of the fug associated with a three-day strep throat fever.  [No, the smell ISN’T my favorite part of Royal Dancer.  Wait for it…WAAAAITTT for it…..]

It’s the music.  In my head.

Because once we get into Royal Dancer Pose, Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” song starts playing in my head.  [NO!  It’s not from the 80’s but do NOT mess with me here!!  I will jack you up!!!  I am NOT zen.  NOT ZEN!!!  So SHUT it.  SHUT!  IT!!!]

The song continues (hold me closer tiiiny daaancer) until Tony messes with Audra’s “chi” (he claims he doesn’t, but we know differently because Audra flinches) and we all come out of Royal Dancer Pose (seee the headlights on the HIGHway) in sympathy with Audra against that chi-busting Mo Fo, Tony.

But the very BEST part of Standing Poses?!?  No.  Not the Child’s Pose, even though I do love me some Child’s Pose.

It’s the Shavasana.  Or Corpse Pose.  ‘Nuf said.   Also?  Tony actually SHUTS UP.  FOR A FULL MINUTE!!

After which we curl up on our sides into Fetus Pose.  And weep quietly into our smelly yoga mats which do not absorb sweat and whose antimicrobial properties have long since died a quiet death.

AND WE ARE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m done!

It’s been two weeks…and not a grocery trip to be found.

We’re out of milk.   And we’re down to one egg which I’ve been guarding like Gollum-with-his-gold-ring (Precioussss, PRECIOUSSSSS!).  I sent the last fresh fruit in the house off in the kids’ lunches yesterday (an apple – sliced and divided among the two).  It reminds me of the time when I was doing the Adkins’ diet.  And I felt like I would KILL for a piece of fresh fruit.  Like I would kill everyone AND the horses they rode in on for a piece of fresh fruit.  Just one piece of fruit.  Kill ALL the people and horses.  Ok, cutting that trip down memory lane short.

But thank GOD that juice and Cliffbar fruit-rolls are considered servings of fruit, ’cause otherwise I’d be a cheap AND a bad AND a tripping down memory lane mother.

Admittedly, I had to break out the spicy, pickled green beans (originally intended for a Bloody Mary accoutrement) to pack in the kids’ lunches today as “a veggie” since I used up the final three carrots in last night’s ham-and-navy-bean soup (I also used up that weird ham bone from Easter which I’m so pleased about because – Ugh.  That thing is just nasty looking.  I shudder to even think of where that belongs on the pig).

And I sent Hubby off to work with left-over rice, green beans and bacon wrapped-shrimp from two nights ago.  That dinner was an epic fail with the kids but Hubby hasn’t had it yet because he was out-of-town when it went down.  I sent off the rest of the key lime cheesecake squares with him too.  I made enough to feed an army (which, turns out, didn’t want to be fed key lime cheesecake squares).  Some squares already went to Sissy’s end-of-year book club party…now the rest are going to his co-workers in my first “little lady at home sends treats to hubby’s co-workers” move.  I don’t know about you, but those pompous “little lady at home” presents always made me resentful and filled me with hatred in a GET A FRICKIN’ JOB! sort of way.  You too??

But we’re finishing strong on this end.  A pound of frozen hamburger is being turned into sloppy joes tonight.  The Final Four (rolls-in-the-freezer, that is) will be used too.  A salad-which-is-all-lettuce-all-the-time-with-maybe-some-flecks-of-red-onion-which-is-technically-considered-a-veggie will be served as well.  And what for dessert?  What for dessert?!  What can I make for dessert with one PRECIOUSSSSS egg?!?

Hi, 80’s?  It’s me, New Stay at Home Mom, calling.  And you’ve got some ‘splainin to do.

I mean, what were you thinking when you allowed that Flash Gordon movie to happen?!  You had some really excellent stuff going on up to that point.  I won’t even mention the music and the dance moves.  Fuggedaboudit.  And the brown eye shadow?  Which – when worn up to your eyebrows – made you look both angry AND mean.  Nicely done.  And all of the stuff you did to cover the dawning belly pooch – paper bag waist jeans, low-slung belts, dropped waists?  ‘Nuf said.

Listen, I could go on-and-on here.  But what I really called to say was that the Flash Gordon movie was a big mis-step on your part.  The husband, kids and I caught some of it this week-end on t.v. and………Oh. My. Gawd!

Hey!  Here’s a little known P90X fun fact for ya……

THERE ARE THIRTEEN WEEKS OF P90X.  NOT TWELVE!!!!!!  GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Mom, Dad and Sissy #2 – do NOT read further.  Eyes right here.  There are a LOT of swearwords below that you do NOT want to see.  Nope.  Nuh-uh.  Eyes up here.  Steady.  Steadddddyyyy…)

damnITTTTT…..DAMNITTTTTT……DAMNITTTTTT TO HELLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!  HELL!

HELLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLANNNNDDDDDDAMMMNNNNNAAAAATIONNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

Whose brilliant idea was this?!!  To put the thirteenth week of P90X exercises on the LAST page of the exercise sheet print-out?!!???  The last page I didn’t turn to UNTIL JUST NOW!!!!!

Tony Horton you are a FRICKIN’ KNUCKLEHEAD!!!!!

THE MOST SWEARWORDS EVER!  RIGHT.  HERE.  RIGHT.  NOW!!!!

This is like finding out that pregnancy actually lasts TEN MONTHS, not nine months LIKE YOU’VE BEEN TOLD YOUR WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!!

I HAVE BEEN RIPPED OFF!!!!

DAMN.  IT.  DAAAAMMMMMNNNNN.   ITTTTTTT.

Or to quote a friend’s three-year-old son…when he’s trying to come up with the worst words he knows so as to express his utter disgust and disdain and sheer pissed-off-ed-ness about something…DIARRHEA POTTY POTTY!!!

DIARRHEA POTTY POTTY, TONY HORTON.  DIARRHEAAAAAAAA POTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY PPPPPPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Week 12 of P90X continues with a closer look at my favorite exercise positions…

[Are you bored yet?  Well you shouldn’t be because you’ve only been doing this for a few days.  I’ve been doing this FOR 12+ WEEKS!!!  SO SUCK IT UP!  And read on…]

Guess what else I’ve been doing for 12+ weeks?!  The Isometric Hold…ALL WRONG!

Mainly because I didn’t understand what “Isometric” meant.  The first time Tony said the word, I knew it had something to do with triangles.  Which one of those pesky-triangles-that-are-too-much-like-math is the isosceles triangle, again?  Is that the one with 3 crazy sides – all disheveled and crap??  With two cattywompus arms and a third short, stubby arm?!?  Yep…I’m pretty sure that’s the one.  And while it seemed a bit weird to do all of my weight-lifts with a biiiiig LONG arm and a wiiiitttle stubby arm, who am I to question Exercise God Horton?  Hey, it’s not like it was any odder than any of Tony’s other exercise philosophies.  So I proceeded to exercise like that – making sure the whole time that I did all my arm exercises where one arm was slightly “off” from the other – just like isosceles triangle arms would be, right?

Let’s pause for a moment here and let me tell you what this triangle scenario reminds me of.  It reminds me of the time I was at Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany.  And I had to go to the bathroom in just about every beer tent I went into.  [Gee.  I wonder why??]  So I followed these friendly “Ausgang” signs the authorities had so thoughtfully posted everywhere.  The signs showed a round-headed person urgently hustling to the bathroom.  After about the dozenth time I followed one of those bald bathroom-goers and wound up OUT BEHIND yet ANOTHER beer tent, I realized that maybe “Ausgang” didn’t mean “bathroom” afterall.  I HAD GOTTEN THE WORD ALL WRONG!  (Achtung, Folks!  Ausgang means “exit” FYI.)

Why does “Isometric Hold” remind me of “Ausgang”??  ‘Cause I got the word wrong.  ALL wrong.  I was picturing the WRONG KIND OF TRIANGLE!  I was picturing the jacked-up OBLIQUE triangle.  Not the ACTUAL isosceles triangle, which is all stable and balanced.

And now?  Now I have some weird extra muscle that’s been born on my right arm.  Only on my right arm.  And it’s not even pretty, much less glamorous.  It looks like a muscle ON the muscle.  But not in a hot beach-body way.  More in a growth-that-someone-tried-to-remove-and-then-gave-up-and-shoved-back-in sort of way.

God save the queen.  And God bless us, everyone.  AND God bless America.  And God BLESS ME!!!  But don’t bless math.  Or triangles.  OR TONY HORTON!  Screw Tony Horton.  AND his isosceles triangle.  AND the horse they both rode in on.  And don’t bless that horse.  Or Tony.  Which I think I said already, but it bears repeating.  And speaking of repeating…again – God bless ME.  And bless my badly mangled right arm.  And all its muscles.  Its weird, weird muscles…

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Food update:

• Breakfast – Juice, chocolate chip waffles and veggie sausages for the kids.  I had the last cinnamon raisin bagel.  (I HATE raisins btw.  They have no business being in ANYTHING.  Including desserts and bagels.)  Hubby’s off on a business trip, so screw him.
• Lunch – I have leftover shepherd’s pie and bread.  I sent off with the kids: pasta-packed-in-individual-containers-and-pulled-from-the-freezer, garlic bread sticks, veggies and orange frosted cookies.
• Dinner – Lemony chicken rice soup (used up a 3 lb container of chicken stock, a package of rice, a can of white chicken breast, the final frozen cob of corn leftover from last summer, two eggs and almost all of the lemon juice in my little fake lemon).  Served that with Sister Schubert’s Parker rolls pulled from the freezer and baked.  Who is Sister Schubert anyway?  I thought she might be like Aunt Jemima or Uncle Ben.  But there’s a picture of her on the box, and she’s not.  Is she a nun??  Her starched white collar gives nothing away.  For dessert I served a home-made-from-a-mix lemon pound cake (used up a precious cup of milk and a precious egg) and topped it with lemon honey that’s been sitting in the pantry for a year-and-a-half.  Phew!

We continue our celebration of Week 12 of P90X by taking a closer look at:

World Famous Karen Potstirrers…

[I can see the surprise on your face; you didn’t see this coming, did you?]

When you’ve targeted your “glamour” muscles enough (shoulders, eyelashes, biceps etc. – Hey!  I didn’t name them the glamour muscles.  T-dog did.) and they’re cramped and  even your fingers can no longer go on…you throw in some World Famous Karen Potstirrers to loosen everything up.

I don’t know who Karen is.  I don’t think we meet her in any of the dvd’s.  But she must be awesome to have a stretch named after her!  Just friggin’ awesome.

Karen’s Potstirrers consist of us bending at the waist.  We pretend that first-the-left-arm-then-the-right-arm is stirring an entire vat of soup.  What makes this stretch so enjoyable is that Tony and his Flying Monkeys always do this shtick wherein they NAME the soup they’re stirring.  It’s so funny I forgot to laugh.

Tony will ask, “what kinda soup ya makin’?” and the cute, greasy-haired German girl will reply with a flawless “vee vill ask zee qwestions” accent, “German Potato Soup, Sieg Heil!”

Then some buff dope in the back will say “Okra Stew.”

[Shut it!]

Then Tony will say, “Lobster Bisque.”

[Really?!  Who are you kidding?  You haven’t had dairy since 1987.  And there’s no way you’d ever MAKE or EAT lobster bisque.]

You know what I’m stirring up?  For a change-of-pace I’m stirring up some PIE.  So that I can shove it in your pie-hole, Tony, and shut you up already!!!

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Food Update: (why am I doing a daily Food Update?  If you recall, I shot my big mouth off and said I could go TWO WHOLE WEEKS without going to the grocery store.  Now I’m not even a week into this and we’re down to our last gallon of milk and I’m starting to feel a vague sense of panic.)

• Breakfast – I had a yogurt and 11 cups of coffee.  It was a snow day for the kids so they were on their own while I was locked in the computer room doing the taxes.  But judging from what was left on the table THAT NO ONE CLEARED AWAY EXCEPT FOR ME, I believe they each had a bowl of cereal and a glass of juice.  Husband?  No idea what he had.  He slipped out the door after he shoveled the driveway.  And disappeared into thin air so he wouldn’t have to get involved with the snow day nonsense.
• Lunch – Pulled pork sandwiches on from-the-freezer-to-the-table-in-5-minutes freshly baked rolls, grapes and chocolate ice-cream cone carrot sticks (this is a fun way to dress up plain ol’ carrot sticks by placing a black olive on the end and calling them “chocolate ice-cream cone carrot sticks.”  It’s cute and creative, right?  Right?!)
• Dinner – Individual shepherd’s pies served in french onion soup crocks.  Am I awesome or what?!  In the process, I used up left-over: sloppy joe meat AND pulled pork, frozen mashed potatoes, frozen corn-on-the-cob from last summer, frozen peas.  Served it with freshly baked bread (dough thawed from the freezer that a.m.).  Had home-made apple crumble topped with vanilla ice-cream for dessert.  Again…am I good, or am I good??!  I think that might have been a swan song of sorts because now I’m wondering if I should have SAVED the ice-cream so I could melt it down to make milk if we run out of milk?  But we’re kinda low on the ice-cream now too.  So maybe I could melt down cream cheese instead?  We have plenty of that.  But it might be kind of thick…so I might mix it with water.  Just throwing out some ideas.  Not making any decisions yet.  We’ll see how the milk holds up first.

[Remember to act surprised, dammit!]

We continue our celebration of Week 12 of P90X with a deep-dive into Ballistic Stretches.  Or as I call them: Total B.S.

Clearly Tony has run out of things to do to occupy us, so he’s just throwing in some Total B.S. to fill up time.

It completely reminds me of “Stations” in highschool gym class.   “Stations” was the day – once a semester or so – when the gym teachers were so exhausted from intro-ing us to square dancing, jazzercise, badminton etc that they just gave up and had nothing planned.  Instead, they set up “Stations” around the gym.  Which basically consisted of 1) that metal contraption that houses the basketballs placed by ONE basketball net pulled down from the rafters; 2) some orange cones lined up in the other corner of the gym for scooter races (but no scooters); 3) some mats set on the floor by the “ropes” (not that we would EVER voluntarily do anything THERE!).

I always preferred the unofficial “Station” located on the bleachers.  Huddled with the other Senior girls.  Where we compared hairstyles and talked about all the kids dopey enough to actually change into their gym clothes during “Stations.”

I mean, really.  What a waste of time!!!

Which is what Tony is doing when he throws in some Ballistic Stretches – which are basically just circles-in-the-air you make with your arms, and/or arm-wrap-arounds applied to your upper body.  Or as Tony calls it, “the lovin’ and the huggin’ of thyself.”  Said in his demented, faux-preacher voice.  Gaaah!  It’s just so horrible I can’t even talk about it anymore.  Other than to say that I’m a total dumba$$ for having gotten changed into my gym clothes for this B.S., Tony.

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Food Update (from Monday):

• Breakfast – cinnamon french toast stick things, bacon, juice.
• Lunch – I packed the kids noodle cups, clementines, Easter candy.  I met some girlfriends for lunch at a Mexican restaurant (which is not a grocery store so I’m still flying within the established parameters.  Eat it, Yoshi!).  I have no idea what Hubby did for lunch.  Not my problem.
• Dinner – nachos, bean-and-cheese burritos, pea-pods, orange creamsicle frosted cookies.  Yes, a bit on the lame side…but I finished strong and that’s all that matters.

[Remember: Act surprised.]

This is it, Folks…Week 12 of P90X!!!

And to celebrate, I’ve decided to take a deep dive into some of my favorite exercises.

First up, Star Blocks.

This fun time can be found in the Kenpo X dvd.

It’s a series of FIVE arm moves which are REALLY confusing.  First we stab the corner of the room (Tony’s words, not mine), then we stab the other corner of the room.  [Then I stab Tony Horton AND Wesley lurching around in the back.]  Those are MY words this time.  Too violent?  Naw!

Then swish, swish, swish and step forward.  Whaaaaa?  Whaaaa was that?!?  I was too busy stabbing people with my homemade Jersey Girl shiv and missed all of that.  Ok, focus.  Focus.

First we stab the corner of the room (Tony).  Then we stab the other corner of the room (Wesley).  Then swish, swish, swish and this time our left arm ends up below our waist by our upper thigh.  Wait.  Whaaaaa?!  Why am I TWELVE WEEKS into this and I still can’t get this move?!??

So instead of stabbing all the people I want to stab, I fly away in my head to my Jane Fonda aerobics glory days.  She’s wearing a black leotard with a belt, over top of black lacy tights.  And black suede ankle booties.  It’s the most ludicrous work-out outfit in the history of time, but put a little 80’s dance beat with the moves?  And I catch on to every one (and they’re still stored somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain; wonder what else may have fallen out in the meantime).  I mean, I could aerobicize with Jane to hell and back and rock it all the way.  In fact, I’m doing it right now until all the stabbing is over.

When I’m with Tony?  I can NOT catch on to this sh**.  It’s like I’ve gone to hell.  And I haven’t come back.

So Tony?  Here’s some advice for you.  Take THAT.  And THAT!  And even THAT!!!

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FOOD UPDATE for Sunday (Remember?  I’m not going to the store for TWO WHOLE WEEKS!):

• Breakfast – Donuts bought at the local donut shop as a final good-bye to Spring Break. [THE DONUT SHOP IS NOT CONSIDERED A GROCERY STORE SO ZIP IT!]
• Lunch – Picnic at the park (ham sandwiches made with ham leftover from Easter, pickles, clementines, chips, Easter candy).
• Dinner – Individual pepperoni pizzas with a nice salad followed by baked bananas topped with melted Hershey’s kisses, marshmallows and vanilla ice cream.  Like Mom always said: end with a great dessert and nobody knows the difference!  A healthy approach I’m determined to follow.  Rockin’ it!!!

It’s come to my attention that some Spring Breaker on this end has been screwing around with the computer and has been inadvertently publishing unfinished draft blog posts.  Which you may have been getting delivered  directly to your inbox.  Which may have puzzled you since they were clearly unfinished.  And in DRAFT mode, complete with misspellings etc.

So…just wanted to clear that up and let you know that I haven’t lost my mind altogether.

And, three other things while I have your attention:

1. Screw the Staycation concept!  It’s a bunch of CRAP!  I’m trying to put a positive face on the whole thing, but it is in NO WAY comparable to actually being on the white sand beaches of Mexico.
2. Act surprised next week when I post a series of insightful P90X comments aimed at celebrating Week 12 of my efforts in this area (ooooh – what’s it gonna be?!  Can’t wait!).
3. If you haven’t already, please sign up to receive my blog posts delivered directly to your email inbox.  It’s a non-stop party.

Thank you.  And you are now free to move about the cabin.