—–Mom & Dad: Expletives may be used throughout this post. Please don’t read any further if you’re going to act all disappointed at my “language” next time we talk. Because really. The only way to convey how terrible this sh** is, is through the use of expletives.—–
Ok. I just HAVE to get this off my chest and then we can be done already with me reporting on this horrific fairytale path I’ve taken through the deep, dark woods of the exercise soul also known as P90X.
So. This is the FINAL word on Core Synergistics. This DVD is also entitled (in my mind) “After four weeks of P90X, why can’t I do ANY of this sh**?!??”
First off, make sure you sandwich this DVD between chiropractor visits (remember to wear cute underwear!!). Secondly, I’m on to you, Tony. You call the same impossible exercises different names just to confuse me and/or make me hopeful. Take the ridiculous “Banana Rolls” for example. They are basically the same impossible-to-do nonsense as their rat-bastard brother “Superman/Banana” and their red-headed stepchild “Bow-to-Boat.”
And really. I can’t say it enough. Dreya Rolls are IMPOSSIBLE!!! But to spice things up, Adam adds a jump! (cute!!) And our main girl, Dreya, adds an “X” AND a spin! (cutest ever, B***CH!!!)
And the pushups?? How many tortuous ways can one, lone man come up with to do push-ups?!? Sphinx Push-ups. Imagine you’re sitting there with your nose and mouth all crushed in when you’re called upon to raise your entire, mythical body straight off (yes, straight OFF) the floor using nothing but your lion-y arms. See? Now you know why I can’t even do ONE!! But I do have to admit that the “Prison Cell” pushups will come in handy after I get thrown in jail on assault charges (I’m not saying against whom. Could be Tony. Could be Dreya. Could even be Adam with his half-percentage of body fat, ya mo fo). Especially when you incorporate the spiderman-climbing-the-wall-only-horizontally Chatarunga Run add-on. Those assault charges may include a Tonya Harding tire iron component as well.
Just wanted to mention here that “Towel Hopping” is basically the same as jumping jacks. Except from side to side. With your legs closed. But they still have the same pee-ish results.
Finally, to cap the whole totally dreadful routine off? We do “Table Leg Raises.” Fifty-seven minutes of our lives are gone forever, never to be retrieved at this point. Our forearms are sweating (I didn’t even know forearms COULD sweat! Is that even possible? Or right?! This may be a horrific side-effect of the *&^%ing Sphinx Push-ups. Bleep!! BLEEP!!!!) and Tony exhorts us with a cavalier, “how many you gonna do?”
Uh – how about “none” Tony? *&^%%$$#@#$%%^^&&*&^%$#@!!!!
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