Week 12 of P90X continues with a closer look at my favorite exercise positions…

[Are you bored yet?  Well you shouldn’t be because you’ve only been doing this for a few days.  I’ve been doing this FOR 12+ WEEKS!!!  SO SUCK IT UP!  And read on…]

Guess what else I’ve been doing for 12+ weeks?!  The Isometric Hold…ALL WRONG!

Mainly because I didn’t understand what “Isometric” meant.  The first time Tony said the word, I knew it had something to do with triangles.  Which one of those pesky-triangles-that-are-too-much-like-math is the isosceles triangle, again?  Is that the one with 3 crazy sides – all disheveled and crap??  With two cattywompus arms and a third short, stubby arm?!?  Yep…I’m pretty sure that’s the one.  And while it seemed a bit weird to do all of my weight-lifts with a biiiiig LONG arm and a wiiiitttle stubby arm, who am I to question Exercise God Horton?  Hey, it’s not like it was any odder than any of Tony’s other exercise philosophies.  So I proceeded to exercise like that – making sure the whole time that I did all my arm exercises where one arm was slightly “off” from the other – just like isosceles triangle arms would be, right?

Let’s pause for a moment here and let me tell you what this triangle scenario reminds me of.  It reminds me of the time I was at Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany.  And I had to go to the bathroom in just about every beer tent I went into.  [Gee.  I wonder why??]  So I followed these friendly “Ausgang” signs the authorities had so thoughtfully posted everywhere.  The signs showed a round-headed person urgently hustling to the bathroom.  After about the dozenth time I followed one of those bald bathroom-goers and wound up OUT BEHIND yet ANOTHER beer tent, I realized that maybe “Ausgang” didn’t mean “bathroom” afterall.  I HAD GOTTEN THE WORD ALL WRONG!  (Achtung, Folks!  Ausgang means “exit” FYI.)

Why does “Isometric Hold” remind me of “Ausgang”??  ‘Cause I got the word wrong.  ALL wrong.  I was picturing the WRONG KIND OF TRIANGLE!  I was picturing the jacked-up OBLIQUE triangle.  Not the ACTUAL isosceles triangle, which is all stable and balanced.

And now?  Now I have some weird extra muscle that’s been born on my right arm.  Only on my right arm.  And it’s not even pretty, much less glamorous.  It looks like a muscle ON the muscle.  But not in a hot beach-body way.  More in a growth-that-someone-tried-to-remove-and-then-gave-up-and-shoved-back-in sort of way.

God save the queen.  And God bless us, everyone.  AND God bless America.  And God BLESS ME!!!  But don’t bless math.  Or triangles.  OR TONY HORTON!  Screw Tony Horton.  AND his isosceles triangle.  AND the horse they both rode in on.  And don’t bless that horse.  Or Tony.  Which I think I said already, but it bears repeating.  And speaking of repeating…again – God bless ME.  And bless my badly mangled right arm.  And all its muscles.  Its weird, weird muscles…

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Food update:

• Breakfast – Juice, chocolate chip waffles and veggie sausages for the kids.  I had the last cinnamon raisin bagel.  (I HATE raisins btw.  They have no business being in ANYTHING.  Including desserts and bagels.)  Hubby’s off on a business trip, so screw him.
• Lunch – I have leftover shepherd’s pie and bread.  I sent off with the kids: pasta-packed-in-individual-containers-and-pulled-from-the-freezer, garlic bread sticks, veggies and orange frosted cookies.
• Dinner – Lemony chicken rice soup (used up a 3 lb container of chicken stock, a package of rice, a can of white chicken breast, the final frozen cob of corn leftover from last summer, two eggs and almost all of the lemon juice in my little fake lemon).  Served that with Sister Schubert’s Parker rolls pulled from the freezer and baked.  Who is Sister Schubert anyway?  I thought she might be like Aunt Jemima or Uncle Ben.  But there’s a picture of her on the box, and she’s not.  Is she a nun??  Her starched white collar gives nothing away.  For dessert I served a home-made-from-a-mix lemon pound cake (used up a precious cup of milk and a precious egg) and topped it with lemon honey that’s been sitting in the pantry for a year-and-a-half.  Phew!