Brace Yourself

Sonny just got his braces off. While that was happening in the orthodontist’s office, I ran to the grocery store to get his post-braces “gift” comprised of all the candy he couldn’t eat (and claimed he didn’t eat) while he had braces.

Side note: not sure if he actually stayed away from things like Starburst and Jolly Ranchers for the duration since there were a lot of weird scenarios involving popped brackets and broken wires which started with the unbelievable, “I was just standing on the playground when allofasudden my bracket popped off.” Yeah, right.

The grocery store was a bit limited on containers to put the candy in so I opted for a slender lime green plastic pitcher. Something akin to a big beer mug from the Löwenbräu tent at Octoberfest.  Except lime green.  And plastic.

When I presented the whole thing to Sonny in the car after he got his shiny new toofuses, he exclaimed, “Wow! This container looks like one of those Huge A$$ Beers from New Orleans!  Remember those, Mom?!”

No. Nope.  Can’t say as I do, and the more important question is how do YOU?!  And did you just say the word a$$ right out here in the open?!  “Whattcha talkin’ about, Buddy?”

Him: “In New Orleans, on Bourbon Street, all of the unprofessional bars were selling them. Don’t you remember?  They all had signs advertising Huge A$$ Beers.  We didn’t see those beers or signs at any of the professional ones.”

Hmmm…professional and unprofessional bars? Ok, I’ll bite.  “Wow.  I’m not sure what exactly an unprofessional bar is….?  And also, you have to stop saying A$$.”

Him: “You know, a professional bar is one where they have seats and you can go and sit down and maybe even order some food. The unprofessional ones were selling the Huge A$$ Beers and there was no place to sit and you just had to take your beer and go.  They were pretty ratchet, those places.”

What did I just say about saying A$$?! And it sounds like someone spied with their little eye lots of unprofessional…bars on Bourbon Street and didn’t say boo about it at the time.  “Ah, yes.  Those are called storefronts or something.  Where all you can buy are huge…beers and then leave.  I do remember those.  They were pretty nasty.”

And there you have it – how to graciously receive your post-braces gift after you’ve recently been to New Orleans.

Lost _ _ _ and Found

As I was driving Sonny to school this morning, there was a contest on the radio where people were calling in to share the weirdest place they had ever found something they lost.

I asked Sonny if he had ever found something in a weird place.  He hadn’t. Shocking, I know. But he in turn asked me the same question.

So I told him. I told him.  I told him the straight up, no holds barred tale of the Catholic School Girl who desperately wanted her ears pierced.  But her mother was worried that she couldn’t become a nun if she had pierced ears, so didn’t allow her to.

This is a completely true story wherein our plucky young heroine eventually convinced her mother she wasn’t destined for the nunnery and ended up getting her ears pierced in 8th grade.  But this isn’t that story, so we continue on…

Back to that part where our female protagonist desperately wanted pierced ears but being in 6th grade, with a morally opposed mother, could only get ahold of those round gold MAGNETIC earrings (which looked eerily like hearing aid batteries…except gold…and magnetic) from Fashion Bug.

She wore them to Catholic school one day and discovered after the first hour of class, that while the back of the right one was still stuck to her ear, the front had entirely sheared off and was nowhere to be found.

Rats! RATS!!! RAAAAAAAAATSSSSS!!!! <– This is all Catholic School Girls are allowed to say when earrings go missing – magnetic or otherwise.

Confession time. She is I.  I am she, and when I got home at the end of the day and changed out of my school uniform, I found the earring IN MY BELLYBUTTON!!!  Just sitting right THERE.  In my BELLYBUTTON!

Top THAT story! Weirdest place to find something lost – my BELLYBUTTON, I say!  And no, I didn’t call in to the radio. I only shared it with Sonny.  Well, and now you. 

Also? Due to this lucky happenstance and my fervent prayers to St. Anthony which were clearly answered because he had nothing more important to find that day, I now consider myself the original inventor of the belly button earring.  Alright, alright.  It was the one point oh version of the belly button earring, and they’ve come a long way since then.  But then again, who hasn’t?!