As I learned from my 3rd grader during his recent study of the branches of the government: voting is both a right AND a responsibility of citizens.

So I voted today.

And all I gotta say is that we are the best country in the world.  So why can’t you people wash before you cast your ballots?!?

It was fine when we were standing outside in the bracing 32 degree/7 am weather…but once you get into the warm building and weave through the annoying amusement park ride line (as in wait! I thought this line was short but it loops back on itself and then goes into a whole OTHER ROOM!!!  Gaaaahhh!!!) – the lack of (others’) personal hygiene becomes evident.

And for the love of all that’s holy, more teeth brushing, Folks!  Please!!!

And to the dude in the blue North Face fleece jacket?  You gotta get one of those lint rollers for pet hair because either your cat has been sitting on your jacket or you’ve been sitting on your cat. It’s a total mess from where I’m standing (behind you).

And to the jokey group on my left?  No, those of us here before 7:30 are not having their names entered for a $1,000 drawing.

And to the lady standing behind me in line?  Good for you for voting for the first time.  The only question here is – how did you get to be about 50 (judging by the face wrinkles is all) without ever having voted before!?!

The “drive by” mail-in ballot arrangement they had going on in the parking lot looked pretty sweet and I’ve made a mental note to pursue for future years.

And it bears mentioning at this point that my husband was saving me a spot in line while I got the kids off to school (and possibly curled my hair & put on makeup), but then he had to go inside so I lost my place in line. Jerk!  Every citizen for himself apparently.

But the news cameras are here so perhaps the hair/make-up delay might be worth it in the end.  My big break might happen right here in the polling place! Surely if they’re going to interview an upstanding citizen, they would interview me over the chick still in her jammies?!?

For the record it’s really hard to vote:

• while you’re worried you have to go to the bathroom pretty bad
• there’s a guy aggressively sniffing his nose next to you
• there’s a newscaster behind you reporting on the traffic (?!) and catching your worst camera angle (the fat a$$ angle, perhaps you’ve heard of it?!  Turns out big break was a big bust)
• all while surreptitiously trying to remove your cute, floaty gray sweater from some weird Velcro tab on the voting machine without knocking down an entire row of lightweight voting machines made up mostly of black cardboard and Velcro tabs.

But all’s well that ends well.  I got me one of them there coveted “I Voted” stickers that you see plastered on the parking lot out front ’cause they fall off pretty easily.  I got it in a weird, unintended handing-out-the-diploma sort of way as I turned in my electronic ballot card there at the end.

Right AND responsibility accomplished!

I voted!

Big school fundraiser is a week away.  And while I’m not chairing it this year (like I did for the last three years running), I am still helping out.  Right now I’m knee deep in table seating drama.

Seriously?  Are we all still in 5th grade – or just our kids?!?  Open Message to All People Over the Age of 21: You will actually survive if you’re not seated with 12 of your BFF’s for an hour during a mediocre dinner.

Anyway…haven’t updated the blog in a few days – what with Halloween and table seating drama going on on this end.

But that song from the old Fame show just popped into my head today about Friday Nights and I wanted to share it.  By the way, does anyone else have 80’s songs popping into their head during random days/times?  Or is that just me?? (probably just me, but I’m hopeful it’s not)

In fact, it’s my firm opinion that there’s an 80’s song for every situation…and really the entire history of the world could be told through the lyrics of 80’s songs – ’cause there’s that many good ones out there!  (again, just me on this one?  Better not be because this is totally true!)

But I digress.  The lyrics to this particular one (really, who’s the band?  I think it’s referred to as The Kids from Fame??  Can you imagine explaining that on your resume during a job interview???) go like this:

Friday night’s gonna be all right

It’s gonna be right

It’s gonna be all right now baby

So get ready for Friday night!

And none too soon!  But I’ll probably feel the exact same way NEXT week!  And I don’t even HAVE a full time job!!!

With Halloween tomorrow night, I thought now might be a good time to review this:

Kids – don’t take candy from strangers.

Uhhh….unless it’s Halloween.  And THEN you can take candy from strangers.  As much as you want.

But before you eat your free-candy-gotten-from-strangers-in-exchange-for-dressing-oddly, let me look at it, because I need to see if it’s been tampered with and contains razor blades and/or poison.  Because I have so much experience with razor blades and poison???

So, to sum up, this healthy approach to candy has now been passed down to a new generation.

And thus ends our lesson.

Just wanted to quickly update you on my week-end.

I know, I know.  The week-end is outside of stay at home mom blog territory, but in this instance, I’m particularly proud of this data point so wanted to share…

Sonny (My son.  No, not actually named Sonny, just named Sonny HERE for the purposes of this blog and so as to protect his anonymity) and I went to a Mother/Son dance this week-end.  Not just any dance.  A ho-down!

Being a stay at home mom and all, I had time last week to go to the fabric store, get a $3.50 remnant of (crappy, constantly shedding) faux cowhide and make us matching vests!  Yes, matching vests!!  Super cute?  (Or bordering on TMFFT* Crazy Town?!)

Anyway…we both wore black pants, jean shirts, red bandannas and cowboy hats all culled from our closets and…….our matching vests!  Oh – also – unbeknownst to me, Sonny carried a pair of handcuffs (?!), a toy gun, and a sack of rocks(?!??!?!).  Nothing says ho-down like a sack of rocks.  Am I right?  Or am I right?!

I am proud to announce that…wait for it…wait for it…

WE WON!  There was a “best theme dressed” contest and we won.  2-$25 gift cards.  Best ROI of my life.  $50 gain in exchange for an investment of $3.50 on a fabric remnant?  Or should that be ROF?!

Nicely done, stay at home mom!

*Please see previous blog wherein I referred to TMFFT as an abbreviation for Too Much Flippin Free Time.

My daughter and I were preparing dinner.  Chinese food.  I was making chicken lettuce wraps and she was using toothpicks to make little fruit kabobs comprised of canned pineapple chunks and maraschino cherries (totally traditional Chinese fare, right?).  At which point I came up with the idea of serving the whole meal on the coffee table in the family room.

“Come on!  It’ll be fun!!” I said.  “We’ll sit on the ground and be a regular Chinese family tonight!”

Pause…2…3…4

then my daughter says “have you always wanted to be a Chinese family??” as if, with my fun-Friday-night approach to dinner, I was actually expressing some deep seated, Toni-Morrison-The-Bluest-Eye desire to be something I never would or could be. (full disclosure at this point – I’m not Chinese, but you probably already knew that from my fruit kabob description)

“Of course not, honey!  I’ve always wanted to be the family we are,” was my immediate reply.

But the question deserves some consideration.  I mean, despite frequently channeling the obsessive and frantic Tiger Mom persona of my Chinese sisters, would I really want to BE one of them??

Let’s see.  They’re probably way better cooks.  And the newscasts make it seem like they have tiny houses to clean.  [plus]

But their everyday-wear seems to all be in grays and browns.  Not my best colors.  [minus]

And the women seem exceptionally slender.  And petite.  [plus again]

But the deciding factor in not wanting to be a Chinese mother would really have to be…that I wouldn’t have been able to spend a cold, snowy Colorado school-day-off with the people I love most in the world cooking Chinese food and sitting at a coffee table eating it.

God bless the USA.  And God bless us.

With Halloween coming up, we’ve been watching Addams Family Values.  Along with being a remake of a good (if creepy) t.v. show, it’s a totally stupid – and actually quite horrible – movie.  But something the mother (Morticia Addams) said to her husband, Gomez, really resonated with me:

“I’m just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband, a family. It’s just, I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.”

Yeah.  What she said.  Except maybe that last part.

Saw a bumper sticker the other day…

“Every mother is a working woman.”

Just to level-set, let’s define someone who “works” as someone who gets paid for what they do.  So in that context, is every mother a working woman??  No.

And it’s that kind of “well…uh…I…uh…’work’ [winky wink]….uh…” drivel, made up by stay at home moms, that drives me ape.  I just don’t get it.  You’ve got a super sweet gig, Girlfriend!  Why trivialize it by acting and sounding all defensive about being a “working” woman?!

It does NOT make you sound empowered and happy with your lot in life.  Rather, you sound bitter and like-you-would-have-made-a-different-choice-if-you-could.  And that “I’m the CEO of the XYZ Family” is just nonsense.  So stop.

If you don’t know what it’s like to work AND be a mom, just stop.  I’m serious.  This has got me all riled up!  Can you tell?!

To be the traditional bread-winner (like the husbands from the 50’s) AND to be the mother (like Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days) all-in-one-person is really, really, REALLY hard.   Unless you’ve done it, you cannot possibly comprehend how hard it is and what a high level of anxiety you constantly function within.

Being two…two…two people in one – is it harder than being (just) a stay at home mom?!  Perhaps.  Is it easier??  Absolutely not!  So don’t denigrate it.  My mother always said: You don’t build yourself up by tearing someone else down.

So, if you’re a stay at home mom by hook or by crook – stand proud.  Enough with the silly bumper stickers!  Don’t try to minimize what the working women do, and perhaps they won’t try to minimize what you (we?) do.

This reminds me of a song from my college/sorority days…”we’re all good sisters, each one the other’s friend, and we’ll be good sisters ’til all the world shall end.  CHUG!!!”

At what point do you realize you’ve become a parody of yourself?  Well – your 16 year-old-self that is.  When someone dresses like you for Halloween??  Or maybe it’s less parody-of-yourself and more made-it-to-the-big-time?!

My daughter is going to be an 80’s Girl for Halloween this year.  I explained to her that we wore those neon mesh (fingerless) gloves because they deflected bullets since we were secretly crime-fighting superheroes.

One eye-roll and a drawn out “MooooOOOOOMMMMM!” later and the gig was up.  No, not crime-fighters.  Just wacky dressers.  But that was the STYLE!

And now it’s a Halloween costume.

So this is how all those witches and vampires feel.  Or the grim reaper.  (That’s who my son is going to be this year.  He mainly got the costume because of the sickle weapon thing.  The label actually says “Child Scythe adds a finishing touch to any costume!”  Why yes, yes it does.  Finishing touch indeed!)

This is all new to me, but those witches and vampires and the grim reaper see mini-thems running around on fright-night every year.  Do they feel kindof flattered?  Kindof…but not really?!

And how ’bout them stay at home moms?  Or working mothers??  Never have seen a kid dressed up on Halloween like one of them yet!  Maybe we just need to give it another 30 years.

[NOTE: So as to preserve anonymity, I will be referring to my son as ‘Sonny’ throughout this blog.  I just didn’t want you to think I actually NAMED him Sonny.  I’m wacky.  But not that wacky.]

I was at Kohl’s yesterday (What?  Don’t look at me like that!  I had to buy Sonny a jacket and was using Kohl’s Cash to do it.  STOP  IT!  I said don’t look at me like that!!!) and I ran into my sister-in-law (who works full-time and always has in addition to being a mother of two).  She was shopping on her lunch hour.

ME:  Well…hello!

HER:  Hi!  What are you doing here?!

ME:  Getting a jacket for Sonny.  See?  [holding up awesome jacket chosen by awesome mom]

HER:  Ooooh – he’s gonna love it!  So…is this what you do now?

ME:  Hey!  I spent the morning dusting and vacuuming.  I deserve to spend an hour at Kohl’s shopping!

HER:  So, be honest.  How are you liking the stay at home mom thing?

ME:  I am totally, totally loving it!  Totally.

HER:  Good.  And it sounds like the kids are loving it too.  When I was talking to Sonny last week at dinner he was telling me that he’s so happy you’re a stay at home mom now.  I asked him why and he said, ” ’cause now I don’t have to go to school if I’m sick.”

***********************

As always, her aim is perfect.  Right through the heart.

But on the plus side, I finally have a point!  Stay at home mom me finally has a point!!!  And I didn’t really even have to do anything to earn it.  Well – except take that shot through the heart in the middle of Kohl’s.  A little blood got on the Kohl’s Cash.  Speaking of which, I did end up spending a teeeeensy bit more than the Kohl’s Cash covered.  On a shirt for myself.  To cover up that gaping wound in my chest.  And unless you’re looking at the blood seeping through my new shirt, you better STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!!!!

Stay at home mom – 1.  Working woman – 0.

When we were younger, my sisters and I used a term to describe priests who were cute (and therefore should have been out among “us” and not off-the-market and all “dedicated to God” and stuff).  We called them “Father What a Waste.”

Lately I kindof feel like a “Stay at Home Mom What a Waste.”  And not just because I’m cute.  I mean, I’ve got some mad skillzzz.  I am eminently employable and could be out there, among the rest of you, earning six figures!  Instead, I bake cookies, vacuum floors, clean bathrooms (poorly I might add) and run nonsensical errands all while contributing nothing to the family income.

Also, I did the stay at home mom thing the wrong way around.  I didn’t do it when the kids were babies.  I did the requisite FMLA leave of 3 months then dusted off my hands, hitched my breast pump over my shoulder and headed out!  It would have made more sense to have done the stay at home mom gig THEN rather than NOW!

(on the plus side, I can always liven up a party by trotting out the most-embarrassing-usage-of-a-breast-pump-while-on-a-business-trip story you’ve EVER heard!)

But now?  Now – I just rattle around all day in my constantly-dirty-house avoiding Kohl’s and their ever-beguiling “cash” (cash my a$$ – I should just drive by their store periodically and throw a $20 out the car window) trying to come up with craft projects and volunteer jobs to fill my time.

Gheesh.  What a waste.