When you sign up for unemployment benefits, you also have to sign up with the Job Bank. After that, you periodically get emails from “the bank” about job opportunities that fit your profile. I’ve found these opportunities are mostly in Spanish and located about an hour-and-a-half away.
So I was particularly excited when I received the following notice from “the bank”:
Dear Connecting Colorado Workforce Customer,
You are receiving this email because your skill-set, experience, and/or as noted in your resume and connectingcolorado.com information CLOSELY MATCHES the position of Park Services, Parks Maintenance, Sports Fields, Parkways, Urban Forestry, and/or Facilities being represented at the Highlands Ranch Metro District Hiring Event on Thursday February 7th 2013. The hiring event will take place 10:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m. at the Highlands Ranch Metro District building located at 62 West Plaza Drive, Highlands Ranch, Colorado 80129.
[OMG! Closely matches?!?! This is gonna be GREAT!! But Park Services and Park Maintenance? Hmmm…what could these job opps possibly be??]
Highlands Ranch Metro District is looking for qualified applicants to fill our temporary Parks, Open Space and Recreation positions. Successful applicants must be self-motivated, quality-minded, and have a desire to provide exceptional service to our community. There are over 40 temporary positions available from February through December. Temporary employment period ranges from twelve weeks to forty weeks. These positions work a forty (40) hour work week and may include weekends and holidays. Employment period may be extended if funding remains available. All applicants must be dependable and have a strong desire to be a team player.
[Ok. Well. I AM all those things. But now I’m getting a weird feeling that these might not be full-time, Software Marketing type positions.]
Our temporary positions help us continue providing the Highlands Ranch community with outstanding recreation programs, parks, sports fields, and open space areas. You must be at least eighteen (18) years old, have a valid Colorado driver’s license and acceptable Motor Vehicle Record to apply. A high school diploma or GED equivalent is also required. Pre-employment drug screening and background.
[Ahhhh. Temporary positions. I’m pretty darn sure I NEVER put down temporary, GED-type positions in my “profile” with “the bank.” In fact, I distinctly recall putting down six-figure, Master’s Degree type positions. Ok, ok. Don’t overreact. Maybe there ARE some of those more “closely matches” opps, but they’re just temporary? Which is ok, because I could TOTALLY turn it into long-term ‘cause I’m like that.]
Salary range is $8.00 to $13.00 per hour depending upon experience.
[WhhhaaaaAAAAATTTTTTTTT????!?!??!?? Ok, ok. Breathe. Actually…this may not be so bad. If I could work a few hours a week at the higher end of the pay range, doing something fun and people-y…and still not lose my unemployment benefits? That might not be so bad. I wonder what kind of jobs these are? Greeter at sporting events? Beer cart gal on the golf course?? Could be kinda fun actually.]
TEMPORARY EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES POSITIONS AVAILABLE:
- Park Services: Involves cleaning and upkeep of park shelters and facilities; contact and interaction with park visitors.
- Sports Fields: Field preparation and layout for sports programs.
- Parks Maintenance: Cultural Practices-Involves aeration, fertilization, top dressing and seeding applications; Horticulture-Involves planting and maintaining annual and perennial flowerbeds; Mowing-Involves mowing, trimming, edging, blowing and equipment maintenance.
- Parkways: Involves general landscape repairs, aeration, seeding, spraying herbicides, pruning, mulching and sprinkler checks, and adjustments and repairs.
- Urban Forestry: Involves plantings, fertilizations and general care of trees.
- Facilities: Involves maintenance, repairs and inspections of buildings, parks, playgrounds and skate parks.
[“Closely matches” my a$$! I’m done here. Unemployment Agency: please count this as all five of my five requisite job searches for the week. And thank you. It’s been fun.]
I got a call (not even a silly email), an actual call on Friday from TruGreen Chem Lawn for a sales position, based on my resume being posted on several large job search sites. What part of my extensive health background (which you can bet is synonymous with natural and not environment-choking) and zero sales interest makes you think I’d be the perfect match for that?! I hate to say it, but it’s not just you.