The party’s over. The parade is done. So this will have to be THE final word on Super Bowl 50 then we’ve all gotta get back to our real lives.
You know what’s more fun than flying into Denver on Christmas Eve 1992?! Flying into Denver on Superbowl 50 Sunday with the Denver Broncos gunnin’ for the win!
Christmas Eve 1992, there were free movies on every screen, free champagne flowing like a river, hot meals being glad-handed left and right (have two if you want!), right before landing, little boxes of chocolate distributed to one and all. We had fresh blankets! And pillows! An entire row all to ourselves!! Why couldn’t that flight go on and on!? It was The. Best. Flight. Ever.
Then there was my flight last Sunday – when I had the privilege of flying Frontier Airlines. Into Denver. While the Broncos were playing in Super Bowl 50. Come ON! What could be more fun than that?! And by “more fun” I mean I’m totally lying; it was awful.
Because now that we’re from the future, Frontier has yanked out every creature comfort from their planes, including all the t.v.’s. So we had to rely on the pilot to give us the score from the cockpit as it was unfolding. Apparently the cockpit is where the only t.v. on the plane now lives. Which seems a little weird, if you ask me. Afterall, you wouldn’t want to distract a pilot with a lot of t.v. watching because he’s…uh…BUSY FLYING A PLANE!!!
But Captain flies his plane in a democracy, so pre-flight he asked for a show of hands: who didn’t want scores from the magic box in his office announced mid-flight. Two people raised their hands so Cappy, wanting ALL his passengers satisfied, declined to read out the scores. Flippin’ hilarious, Cappy. Love the stand-up routine.
At which point we took the hand-raisers out back, did that thing we learned in prison with the sweatsock and soap, then asked for a re-count, and surprise! All the passengers were then satisfied and demanding score updates.
Which Cappy proceeded to provide in some weird rendition of open mic night. But one of those bad, bad open mic nights, definitely not those good ones. He would hum the duh, nuh, nuh, duhnuhnuh theme song and then come on with his sleepy voice all, “Hidey Ho, Folks. It’s the bottom of the first quarter and the score is now 10 to nuthin’. Who do you think is in the lead?!”
Ok, are there beers being served where he is? He has the t.v. AND the beers?? Everyone knows that there’s a direct correlation between the Superbowl, t.v. and beers (Budweiser* to be exact). Clearly Cappy’s got it goin’ ON in the cockpit based on what I can hear from open mic night. Totally unfair because there’s no beer back here – none even being OFFERED for PURCHASE. Only hot-tea-made-with-nonpotable-water-from-the-bathroom-faucet-I’m-not-even-kidding-I-saw-it for $1.99. And a salami-and-cracker combo that saves you fifty cents, FIFTY CENTS, but costs you TWELVE DOLLARS if you buy it in the combo. How much for just the salami by itself? Or maybe the crackers?? Betcha Cappy’s got steak up there, num, num, num.
“Duh, nuh, nuh, duhnuhnuh. Hidey Ho, Folks. I have steak up here, howz about you? Oh, and it’s the top of the second quarter and the score is now 13 to 7. Broncos.”
*I’ve heard Manning’s Budweiser plug ended up being worth almost $14 MILLION dollars. So I’m hoping mine will net me $139. Just plain dollars would be fine. That will be enough to cover the one-way cost Frontier charged me to carry on my luggage, plus the fee I had to pay at check-in for my seat (even though I already paid for my seat back when I first bought it and it was called a ticket). And while I didn’t buy any food or drinks, what with the way things are going and all here in the future of air travel, I’ll probably OWE Frontier for mentioning them in my blog. Budweiser, please send my check soonest.