I just had Lasik surgery on the balls of my eyes recently – well, really just the one ball – and I gotta say, I’m not the biggest fan.

You see, guck, guck, SEE?! something happens to your eyes when you’re hrmm, hrmm over forty: eventually you’ll have to wear glasses – either to see your crochet projects…or to see the individual leaves on trees.  Therefore, the eyeball doc recommends that if you’re hrmm, hrmm over forty and going to correct your vision with Lasik, you should get only the dominant eye lasered-up, and then you won’t have to wear glasses for up close OR far away.

When they do Lasik to only one eye, this results in something called monovision, which means you have to wear a monocle, adopt an English accent and say things like, “What, what! Jolly good, old man.”  You also have to hang out with the tall hatted peanut who shows up way overdressed for parties.  It becomes a drag after a while, especially if your kids are allergic to peanuts.  It also makes you very, very tired.  But I may have that confused with mononucleosis.

So luckily, the having-to-wear-a-monocle part of the recovery is only at night and only for two weeks (or until you run out of the surgical tape they gave you to keep the monocle securely in place so as to protect your eye from all the elbows that come flying at it while you’re sleeping). And because I may have led you to believe the monocle was a circular, black rimmed device with a string hanging from it Cheerio I say, I say (otherwise why else would the peanut hang out with me?  Twins!) I wanted to let you know it’s actually more of a clear shelled, pirate-patch shaped thing.  Cute, right?  So cute, all taped to your face at night Aaargh me hearties.

Eventually your dominatrix eye heals and your vision becomes something akin to looking through a telescope AND a microscope simultaneously. I think we can agree it’s well worth the mucho dinaro to be able to see Alpha Centauri and amoebas at the same time.

But here’s where I bust this thing wide open. Bust it!  Exposé!!  Gritty underbelly of Lasik exposed!!

The ONE thing no one talks about – which I feel needs talking about – is the smell. The smell.  It smells like hell.  The smell during Lasik is the worst, most gag-inducing thing in the world.  This explains the pre-surgery valium, which is to prevent you from flipping out once you begin to smell your own eyeballs being lasered.  Because you know what that smells like?  BURNING HAIR!!  Burning eyeballs smell like BURNING HAIR!!!  Gaaack!  GAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!

NOPE!  Nopey nopers.  Not Lasik’s biggest fan.

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