I got me a bad case of Crochet Elbow. Which is very similar to Tennis Elbow. Except different, because the pain radiates up my arm and into my shoulderblade where it then connects via a thin band of pain all the way THROUGH my body to my collarbone. Fun, right?
And where does one go for help when one has Crochet Elbow head, shoulders, knees and toes, kneesandtoes?
Why to the chiropractor, of course.
Once I’m lying down on the treatment table, the chiropractor attaches electrodes to my shoulderblade and forearm. We’re chit-chatting about tennis. It’s CROCHET elbow, dammit! Enough with the tennis. And he asks me to tell him “when.”
At that point, the arm-with-the-electrodes starts twitching and flopping like I’m Teddy the Dog chasin’ squirrels in my sleep woof, woof! Uh….howzabout…NOW, Doc?!?
The doctor then does some other stuff, kinda surreptitious-like, at a table right beside my head. And while I can’t exactly see what he’s doing (since I’m totally prone while my left arm conducts the symphony), I get the impression he’s taking incense sticks out of a wrapper and attaching them to me – one right at the top of my sweater, and the other near the crook of my arm.
Hmmmmmm. Incense? I’m not a huge fan of that new age-y stuff, but if this is somehow gonna draw out the evil spirits* in my arm, then I’m on board. Unless, of course, he LIT the incense sticks and now my clothes are in danger of catching fire?? I’m not on board for THAT. I’ve got a busy day ahead and don’t have time to go back home to change my top due to burn holes! So even though I don’t smell any tale-tell patchouli, when the doctor leaves the room, I glance down to see if there’s el fuego.
I’m brought up short by the KNIFE sticking out of my CHEST!!! What the WHAT! Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat is THAT?!??!!!!
My eyes SNAP back to the ceiling and I’m thinking, “Ok, that can’t really be a KNIFE in my chest! And if there’s a knife in my CHEST…then what’s in my ARM?!??”
Sho’ nuf. When I glance again, there’s a knife in my ARM too! WHATwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatisTHAT?!??!
Ok, settle down. Settle it. The doctor would NOT put knives in your chest and arm without making you sign a Knife Waiver of some sort. And since you didn’t sign a waiver like that, those can’t be knives. Just relax. Now look again.
Oh. Phew! Not knives. Nope on the knives. Just HUGE sewing machine needles. MASSIVE, really. The kind you might use in…acupuncture. D’oh! That gave me a scare for a second. Knives. Huh. That was stupid.
After electrodes and acupuncture schmacupuncture – the verdict is?? A big, fat, NO. New age my A$$! My arm still hurts like a sumbitch and motrin and modern medicine call my name. In the meantime, fair warning: if you thought you were going to be getting gender-specific crocheted leprechaun hats for St. Patrick’s Day. You’re not. Please see “Crochet Elbow” and/or “evil spirits* in my arm” description above.
*Hi. Now, before you get all up in arms (hee hee – see what I did there? Up in ARMS…about my ARM?!? hee hee) I will state outright that I’m just joking about the evil spirits. Totally joking. Clearly there are no evil spirits in my arm – this is actually a punishment from God for tacky crochet. Joking. Still joking. We all know that I don’t make tacky crochet.