Commercial Load

Has enough been said about this year’s Super Bowl* commercials yet?  Naw – I didn’t think so either!  We’re so much alike!!  Freaky.

And now?  Now it’s my turn to weigh in on the commercials. 

But before I get started, I need to let you know that I’m a marketer by trade…Wait.  Does ‘marketer’ make me sound like I go to the market a lot?  ‘Cause I don’t want it to.  I mean I DO go to the market a lot, but I don’t want you to think that’s what I do for a living.  Because right now, I don’t do ANYTHING for a living – thanks for bringing it up stink eye, stink eye.  But if I DID do something for a living, it wouldn’t be going to the market.  Rather, it would be MARKETING!  Phew!  Glad we figured that out.  Wait.  Unless ‘marketing’ makes it sound like I go to the market to do quite a bit of marketing.  ‘Cause I do, but…and the Super Bowl commercials are a marketer’s Nirvana. 

In addition to being a marketer at heart…if not by current trade – WILL YOU STOP BRINGING IT UP ALREADY!?  Also, does ‘marketing’ make it sound like a horse might be involved?  Like I gallop on my horse to the market??  ‘Cause I don’t, and I just wanted to clarify.  In case you were confused…me no likey football.  Which means I pay extra SPECIAL attention to the Super Bowl commercials.  And it’s with a heavy heart that I tell you that the commercials this year were a little…meh.  Particularly those during the first half.

Professional Opinion, peeps.  Nothin’ personal.

And admittedly, I didn’t see ALL the commercials this year because at some point we switched to Puppy Bowl TEN.* (Where there were some pretty decent commercials in their own right.  Case in point?  The one for the three-pronged, foldable cane called the HurryCane.  Get it?  HURRYcane?  See – good, right??)

Anywhoooo, what was UP with ALL the car commercials?  The Volkswagen one was fairly cute with the German engineers getting their wings and pooping rainbows.  But the rest of them were very frequent and very annoying.  Especially that one with the Muppets.  I don’t even remember what kind of car was being advertised.  All I remember were the Muppets.  Because WHO is actually still doing stuff with MUPPETS?!?  Who would buy…a car…that was advertised by MUPPETS???  In fact, I posed this very question to my family, and Sissy replied, “Uh, Muppet Lovers?” 

Yes!  But who EXACTLY are the Muppet Lovers?  Who’s left in this world that’s a Muppet Lover?!  Octogenarians?  And are they buying a lot of cars??  I’d love to see the Market Research behind this.  The hard numbers that prove octogenarian Muppet Lovers are this car’s target audience.  Better yet, show me the transcripts from the Focus Group at the Senior Center where people were shouting out Kermit!  and Miss Piggy! when asked who they’re most likely to buy a car from in the near future.

Ok.  I’ll move on now, and stop being so negative because those Muppet-y Marketers HAVE jobs and I don’t.  But alls I’m sayin’ is that the Muppet thing seemed a little risky in terms of a marketing strategy.  That’s it.  Done.  Ok, zipping it.  Zipped!

And then there were those commercials that – to my complete and utter horror – actually made me tear up.  What?!  WHAT??  There’s no crying in football!!  But I gotta say, that “Every soldier deserves a hero’s welcome” commercial got me right here.  In my icy, judgmental, marketing heart.  As did the Honda one where Bruce Willis tells me, personally, to hug everyone in the room.  (Which I did.  Because I do what Bruce Willis tells me to do.  Every time.) 

And hows-about that T-Mobile commercial?  The one with the whistling??  That drove the dog batshit, so you now owe me BIG TIME, T-Mobile. 

And let’s pause right here for a grammar lesson, shall we?  My English Major Mother…did it almost sound like I was trying to break into that “I am the very model of a modern major-general” song from The Pirates of Penzance?  ‘Cause I wasn’t.  It just maybe sounded that way…always told me the rule is, “Less in quantity; Fewer in number.”  (She say’s nem-bah ‘cause she’s from New Hampshire, but you can just say ‘number’ regular-like if you want.)  Which means Soda Stream and spokesgal Scarlet Johansen were a teensy bit off with their slogan, “Less sugar; Less bottles.”  Because the Modern English Major Mother General might say instead, “Less sugar; FEWER bottles.”

Speaking of bottles, can you IMAGINE how much drinking was going on during the Super Bowl??  Which leaves me particularly puzzled as to why Scientology would pay a MINT to air a commercial for…Scientology.  Are drunkards with their faces painted blue really their target market, spiritually speaking??

Finally, a word on that Microsoft commercial about technology: (#empowering).  Wow.  Just…wow. 

Microsoft, will you hire me?  I’m a marketer…and I’d love do some marketing…but I’m not doing any of that right now.  Thanks for bringing it up!  Stink eye, stink eye.


*Who knew Roman Numerals were so incendiary?  I heard from several people yesterday about how I got it wrong and that it was actually Puppy Bowl TEN, not Puppy Bowl ONE HUNDRED – and Stupid Bowl FORTY-EIGHT, not Stupid Bowl SIXTY-EIGHT as I had originally reported:  But you know what’s particularly funny about that?  No one corrected me on the STUPID Bowl part!  Heh-heh-heh.   But back to Numeral-Gate.  I hate Roman Numerals even more now that they made me look like an a$$.  And who’s calling themselves ‘Numerals’ nowadays anyway?!  The word ‘Numerals’ is just soooo snotty.  Hey, Numerals!  Nellie Olsen called and wants her huge snot-nosed hair bow and frilly pantaloons back, ya snots.  Me?  I’m just a Laura Ingalls Wilder down-home ‘Numbers’ kinda gal.  No hoity-toity ‘Numerals’ for me.  Case closed.

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