3 Fun Things About The Bitter Cold

It’s been 11 degrees-below-zero here in Colorado for the last few days.  That’s Fahrenheit of course.  And no, I won’t even try to convert that to Celsius because we saw how well the Roman Numeral thing went earlier in the week.  And everyone knows that Celsius is the Roman Numerals of Temperature.  And please don’t even get me started on the Kelvin scale.  Because you know what that would result in?  An Absolute Zero!  (Hee hee hee – I’m funny even in Kelvin land!  And if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you should look it up because me and the science-y guys are laughing our a$$e$ off right about now.) 

But on the bright side, there have been some fun learning experiences amidst all this bitterly cold weather. 

For one, everyone has been walking around like they’re in a bad Heart music video from the 80’s …And the full moon that hangs over these dreams in the mist… but only from the ankles down.  Because when the sun starts to warm up the icy ground, a weird six-inch fog boils up and floats across every open space.  Cue dream sequence:  These dreams go on when I close my eyes…Every second of the night I live another life…These dreams that sleep when it’s COLD OUTSIDE…Every moment I’m awake the further I’m away.*

The second fun thing I’ve noticed in this cold weather are the sun dogs.  While it’s not unusual to see sun dogs in Colorado, typically they’re just little patches of colored light waaaaay up in the sky.  But the ones I’ve seen lately look like parentheses-shaped rainbows around the sun.  This atmospheric phenomenon is actually called an ice halo.  (Or parhelion.  And you know how I remember that?  Because there’s a song about it.  From the 80’s, natch.  By Slade.  It goes like this: Hey there, Par-hel-i-on, lying there in the sun.  All things to everyone.  Run, runaway.) Still your momma aren’t I, science-y guys?! 

And the THIRD fun thing about this weather?  You get to discuss what happened to the Donner Party during similar weather 100+ years ago.  I’m not sure why it even came up (I may have had something to do with it, or maybe not, I’m not admitting to anything here), but said conversation veered straight into a mention of cannibalism (nummy, num, num).

Sonny – in a clearly horrified voice – joined the conversation with, “You mean they ATE people?  Like…what did they make?  A STEW?!?”

Hmmmm.  Now why would STEW be the first dish that comes to mind when discussing cannibalism ?  (Or ‘anthropophagy’ – this one’s for you, science-y guys!)  When I picture cannibals from the Donner Party, I don’t picture them sitting around a cozy fire dressed in winter bonnets and wool shawls eating stew off tin plates, all civilized-like.  I picture them wild-eyed and dressed in rags gnawing on a hairy-leg-still-wearing-a-sock.  But STEW??  That’s just weird.  Because really, if they had all the fixin’s for stew, maybe they coulda just added a few more potatoes.  And left the hairy legs where they belonged.

Speaking of hairy legs, this blog should actually have been titled: FOUR Fun Things About The Bitter Cold with the fourth fun thing being ‘no leg-shaving.’  There’s no leg shaving in the bitter cold.  There’s no need because no one sees your bare legs since you wear leggings morning, noon and night.  Also hairy legs conserve body heat AND dissuade the cannibals.  Hopefully.


*”These Dreams” by Heart, released in 1986 from their 1985 self-titled album.  And??  I’m winning.  Still winning.  And?  STILL WINNING in this “80’s song for every moment in life” game that we play.  Of which I am the queen.  And the inventor.  And?  THE WINNER!

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