Yes, you knew I was gonna go there. But before we even get started on that, I have to state for the record that I hate Roman Numerals. If football is an AMERICAN sport, why are we using ROMAN numerals to tell us where we’re at here?? Because I don’t get Roman Numerals. Not now, not ever. They’re too much like math. In fact, if you put pi-to-the-tenth-decimal-place after the words ‘Super Bowl,’ I’d like it slightly better. Metric conversions after the word ‘Super Bowl?’ Yep, still better than Roman Numerals. Because making me translate numbers – in the form of letters – back into numbers – so that I can add them up in my native language?! Utterly stupid. And that’s why I secretly refer to this event as the Stupid Bowl.
So…where were we headed until I did my Roman Numeral diatribe? Oh, that’s right. We were talking about yesterday’s Stupid Bowl. Stupid Bowl Sixty-Eight* to be exact.
First off, what the BLEEP was Joe Namath wearing?? Hey Joe! Liberace called from beyond-the-grave where he just rolled over, and he wants his coat back! You shoulda just stuck with the pantyhose and the Noxzema face cream, because now PETA is gunnin’ for your cross-dressing a$$!
And that part – pretty much right there at the very beginning?? Well, Fur Coat McGee’s SECOND coin toss would be the very beginning. So right after THAT. Where Peyton Manning watches the ball go sailing off to his right, while he rolls his eye like a big Doberhuahua? That part was totally awful to witness. Totally. Awful. Uh…Omaha!, Omaha!, we have a problem.
Now you have to understand that I only used the Stupid Bowl this year as an excuse to crochet a bunch of orange-and-blue crap. (Because when do you ever have an excuse to crochet orange-and-blue scarves? Boot cuffs?? Never. Good excuse, see?) And I don’t really care about the football end of it. But even I was p.o.’d about that ball-sailing-off-into-space move.
But perhaps it wasn’t the bad football playing that did the Broncos in? ‘Cause I saw some bad ref-ing, so maybe that was the problem? In fact, at one point, I saw the ref call the Broncos for “traveling.” Admittedly, I don’t know much about football, but trust me when I say I’ve spent all winter watching 6th grade girls play basketball. And I’ve seen a LOT of traveling. And I know the international ref symbol for traveling when I see it. And I coulda sworn the Broncos weren’t traveling.
But enough about football during the football game. ‘Cause we have GOT to discuss the half-time show. Because when the football game isn’t about the commercials, it’s about the half-time show, right?
It’s my personal opinion that Bruno Mars was a class act with an olde timey Ricci Ricardo nightclub vibe. But the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Wack. And what was on Head Pepper’s legs? It looked like support hose, but with cartoon panels. It reminded me of those tat sleeves you can get at Halloween – that make your arms look like you have tattoos all up and down them. Except Head Pepper’s leg thingies weren’t as sheer as tat sleeves. And they were on his legs, not his arms. Ok, so nothing like Halloween faux tat sleeves, but puzzling-as-a-fashion-choice nonetheless.
And that’s pretty much it. That’s all I got for Stupid Bowl Sixty-Eight. Because right about point 36 for the Seahawks, Hubby was so disgusted that he took his Broncos shirt off, put his Eagles shirt on, and we switched to Puppy Bowl X**. (THEY do Roman Numerals too. I’m so MAD! LEAVE THE POOR PUPPIES OUT OF IT!)
But speaking of the Eagles…did anyone catch that part where the camera kept panning to that eagle on the sidelines? That was weird. Since PETA was there checking on Joe’s jacket, they shoulda checked into that eagle thing as well. That didn’t seem right.
*See? I have to do the math for you TOO, don’t I?? In Roman Numeral Land we all know that X = 10, L = 50, V=5, and I = 1. Does the sick feeling in my stomach mean that there should be some subtraction in this problem…or that I have the value for X wrong? Does X really equal 100 and you’re supposed to subtract all the letters listed after X?! Hmmmm. No. No, I’m pretty sure X only equals 100 when it’s listed all by itself; and X equals 10 when it’s listed WITH other letters. So, ignoring all subtraction and just working on the sunny side of the street, the problem looks something like this: 10+50+5+1+1+1 = 68. Stupid Bowl 68. Have I mentioned that I HATE Roman Numerals?! Gah! In English next time, please.
**The X here refers to 100. Because you need to remember that arcane rule: when X is by itself, it equals 100. So we’re talking about Puppy Bowl 100. And while on the surface it would seem puzzling that they would have MORE Puppy Bowls than Stupid Bowls, it’s important to note that they actually got the idea for Stupid Bowl FROM Puppy Bowl. Also? The Puppy Bowl is so cute they sometimes play it twice a year. So Puppy Bowl 100 makes perfect sense. On a more personal note, I still DETEST Roman Numerals but I think I’m finally getting the hang of them.