Apropos nothing, here is a random list – in no particular order – of thing me NO like-y:
- 24-year-old neighbor boy who jumps into my yard to get his soccer ball while I’m eating leftover chips and dip at the kitchen table. Not only does he scare the SH** out of me, but he also sees that I’m eating chips and dip for lunch. ME NO LIKE-Y!
- Dead prairie dogs lying on the side of the road. Me definitely no like-y their white underbellies all turgid with bloat.
- Crows EATING dead prairie dogs lying on the side of the road. Me no like-y AND me now barf-y.
- A puppy with the runs in the middle of the night. Me no like-y AND me now crank-y from no sleep.
- The gelatinous mass that comes OUT of the puppy with the runs. Gaaaaccckkk!!!
- Cleaning UP the gelatinous mass that…OK. You get the idea here. Gaaaaaccckkk!!! Me no like-y any of it.
- Drivers who are so preoccupied with talking on their cell phones that they forget to turn even though they have the right-of-way while your a$$ is hanging out in traffic after the light turns red because you were politely waiting for them. Me NO like-y morons.
- The “Closed for Inventory” sign posted on the door of Tuesday Morning the ONE time in my whole life I wanted to return something there after the ONE time in my whole like I bought something there. Me no like-y that it turns out ALL Tuesday Mornings are closed on the same day for inventory despite a trip across town to just RETURN STUFF I DON’T WANT ALREADY! Protracted, annoying return scenarios? Nope, me no like-y.
- Me no like-y the smell that comes from my legs after I put self-tanner on them. They smell like dirty dog feet (and not the nice popcorn-y smell, but the stepped-in-something-bad-two-days-ago smell). Who like-y that? Not me.
- Dumb, confusing vanity license plates. I submit for consideration, “MANDRS.” Man Doctors? Amanda’s nickname?? Who’s to say. Annoying at the very least. And aptly named – vanity plates; You have to be vain to think me care OR me like.
See? I TOLD you this was apropos nothing. I just wanted to balance out my blog from the other day where I listed some of the things me like-y. I didn’t want you to think I was too…upbeat.
I have three party tricks I’m very proud of. In fact I fantasize that I might meet the Queen of England at an after-hours party and she asks me to perform one of these tricks and when I do she knight’s me on the spot (“dame’s me” sounds STUPID! Women get ripped off constantly). Or she has some of her footmen carry me around on their shoulders and buy me drinks after which she invites me to the Riviera to join her on her yacht.
In case something like that happens, I’m ready with the following:
1) being able to tie a maraschino cherry stem into a knot with my tongue
2) saying the entire Greek alphabet before the lit match I’m holding burns all the way down to my fingers and
3) being able to SAY all fifty United States in alphabetical order. When I was in grade school, our music teacher taught us a song called, “Fifty Nifty United States.” As part of the song, you sing all fifty states – in alphabetical order. So yes, when I put my mind to it, I can SAY all fifty states in alphabetical order.
But in honor of America’s birthday…who wants to say it?? SING IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT!
FIFTY! NIFTY! United States. From thirteen original colonies. Shout ’em! Scout ’em! Tell all about ’em! One by one ’til we’ve given each state a name….in the U – S – A!
[from memory – in alphabetical order – I mentioned from memory, right?]
Alabama Alaska Arizona Arkansas California Colorado Connecticut Delaware Florida Georgia Hawaii Idaho Illinois Indiana Iowa Kansas Kentucky Louisiana Maine Maryland Massachusetts Michigan Minnesota Mississippi Missouri Montana Nebraska Nevada New Hampshire New Jersey New Mexico New York North Carolina North Dakota Ohio Oklahoma Oregon Pennsylvania Rhode Island South Carolina South Dakota Tennessee Texas Utah Vermont Virginia Washington West Virginia Wisconsin Wyoming
Happy Fourth of July TO ALL!
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!
With the hubby and kids OOT* today, I was able to get a TON of stuff accomplished. Me like-y getting tons of stuff accomplished.
You know what else me like-y? Me like-y Home Depot.
Back when they were the only game in town and I called them Home Despot, me no like-y. But now? Now that they have competition from the likes of Lowe’s and Ace? Now it’s on like Donkey Kong every time I walk in there. All the fine fellas flock to me to offer assistance (AND they call me “miss.” None of this “ma’am” b.s. that makes you feel older than time). Me also like-y the delusional story I tell myself when I’m IN Home Depot. Which is: the fine fellas don’t get many PYT** DIY’ers*** and therefore when there is one there (me!) they are ON IT! In fact, me like-y that story so much that I think Home Depot would be a great place to find a hubby if I didn’t already have one. Speaking of which…me like-y YOU, Hubby!
Me also like-y Grease Monkey. Where else in the WORLD will men clean your windows, vacuum your rugs AND leave a carnation on your dashboard?!? Nowhere except Grease Monkey. That’s why me really, really like-y.
And when the day is done, and it’s pizza carry-out for one (me like-y rhymes too!), me like-y Anthony’s Pizza because it tastes just like every slice of pie**** I ever ate during my misspent New Jersey youth. AND? The counterhelp offers me red pepper flakes in a cute little container that I can re-use for jello shots. What’s not to like-y there??
Finally, me like-y the helpful neighbor men who sit in the garage across the street drinking beers. The first time I saw them doing that, I asked if they were waiting for the party bus. The second time I saw them, I told them I didn’t think the party bus came by this way. The THIRD time I saw them, they informed me that they WERE the party bus. Oh. Ok. Glad we got that straight. And recently? Recently they pumped up my bike tires. AND pumped up my ego by claiming that sometimes bike tires just get low; It’s not that they LOOK low due to the biker “load” they’re carrying. Me like-y gallant gents who don’t breathe a WORD about your weight when they’re pumping up your bike tires with their deluxe pneumatic bike tire pumper thingamajig.
Just a few top-of-mind things that me like-y and wanted to share with you today.
How ’bout you? What do you like-y? LMK.*****
*Out of town
** Pretty Young Thing
****In NJ we call pizza ‘pie’
*****Let me know