Yesterday was Hump Day. Which means the week peaked. We’re up and OVER the hump, and we’re on the downslope now; There’s nothing left to do but coast on into the week-end.
And coast I will…
Because my hump day was a DOOZIE!
First stop on Happy Hump Day? Get the kids to school, get gas in the car’s beyond-empty gas tank, get to my annual GYNECOLOGIST appointment. (Doesn’t that word just OOZE horrible-ness? And doesn’t the word OOZE just ooze horrible-ness??)
The whole gee-why-en visit could be its own stand-alone blog post. But I’ll just suffice to say that – for some strange reason – I had the song lyrics from “One Night in Bangkok” running through my head the whole time. I get my kicks ABOVE the waistline, Sunshine!* Oh…and also, Doc? No TALKING!!! Do not CHAT with me while you’re doing THAT!!!! And if you EVER offer me COFFEE while you’re doing THAT, down THERE?!? I’m gonna gather up my backless gown and crinkly paper apron and head-for-the-hills!!
Next stop on Happy Hump Day? Lunch Lady Duty! Where everyone assured me that “Cheeseburger and Chips” was one of the easiest lunches to serve. But no “cheeseburger” or “chips” for me. I got stuck offering canned-peaches-in-heavy-syrup out of what looked like a dirty crayon bin. I started to take personally ALL the faces the kids were making when I would give them a scoop. Like I was single-handedly bringing down the cheeseburger-and-chips party. But maybe it wasn’t the peaches? Maybe I should have used my OTHER arm to serve them with? You know, the arm that DIDN’T have the cottonball-squished-down-by-a-piece-of-medical tape covering up the morning’s blood-draw site. Maybe THAT’S what all the faces were about?? Either way, by the end of my tour of duty, my feet were hurting like sumbitches. Which is what I get for standing for hours, sloppin’ peaches in my super-cute-but-excruciatingly-uncomfortable shoes. In my own defense, all I can say is, “Hey! You GOTTA dress to impress the gee-why-en who will never, EVER see your shoes because she’s so busy seeing the BOTTOM of your BARE FEET. And speaking of BOTTOMS, that reminds me…DO NOT CHAT WITH ME WHILE YOUR DOING THAT! DOWN THERE!!!”
After I wolf down a free-but-ice-cold cheeseburger, I head to my school fundraising meeting. Which lasts until school gets out. At which point I get a call from a neighbor that Gramma was going to pick up her kids but Gramma locked her keys in the car. Would I take her kids AND Gramma home with me so Gramma could get her spare keys??
Sure! What else am I doing? And after giving strict instructions to all double-buckled kids-in-the-back-seat to “Duck!” if the cops come, we finally make it home. Sissy quickly changes for her softball game, Sonny takes the lonely dog for a walk and we’re back in the car – with Gramma AND her spare keys AND the lonely dog – heading back to school so Gramma can get her car, Sissy can get to her softball game and the dog can be a freak in FRONT of other people (instead of in the privacy of our laundry room).
Second-to-last stop on Happy Hump Day? Fast food dinner. Because after the softball game is over at 7:30 p.m., who wants to cook dinner? Not me, that’s for damn sure! And you know who ELSE doesn’t want to cook dinner after a long day?!? My GEE-WHY-EN! You know how I know this?? Because she’s sitting RIGHT THERE! RIGHT INSIDE THE DOOR OF CHIPOTLE’S!! EATING DINNER WITH HER DAUGHTER as I walk in!!! What are the chances of THAT?!??! But instead of a big reunion scene, we just nod discreetly to each other. Because really? Who wants to draw attention to the fact that both of us were involved in giving-and-receiving hoo-haw checks today?! Not me. That’s for DAMN sure!
Last and FINAL stop on Happy Hump Day? I’m in bed. Falling asleep. When I realize that my nose zit is back. On the right outer nostril rim. But inside. But not ALL the way inside. In other words, I can’t gitatit from OUTSIDE my nose. And I can’t gitatit from INSIDE my nose. It’s inside the outside of my nose. Ouch. Yep, still hurts. Ouch, yep. Ouch! Yep, still hurts. Ouch, yep.
Annnnd?? We’re on the downslope. Nothin’ but smooth sailin’ from here-on-in. Just coastin’ on in to the week-end at this point. Just coaszzzzztin’. Coaszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztin’. Coaszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….
*Lyrics from “One Night in Bangkok,” originally sung by the British actor and pop-dance singer Murray Head on the 1984 album from the musical Chess. The song was composed by former ABBA members Benny Andersson and Bjorn Ulvaeus and lyrics were written by Tim Rice. Come on, People! Even if you aren’t going the play the “80’s song for every moment in life” game with me, you HAVE to give me props for this one!!! Everything about it SCREAMS 80’s!