The Burning Heart

I was cleaning out last year’s school supplies in preparation for the new school year, when I found Sonny’s old Language Arts notebook.

It contained exactly one page of spelling words and…this drawing.

I’ve mentioned before that my son is obsessed with zombies, right?  He kinda – loves them – while hating them.  As a result, he’s become somewhat of a world expert on zombies.  And this picture typifies EVERYTHING there is to know and to love/hate about zombies.

First off, the zombies only come out at night.  It’s not clear where they stay during the daytime (Under the bed?  In a poorly lit closet??  California?!?). 

But come nighttime?  They can ALWAYS be found.  In your bedroom.  Standing quietly.  Right beside your bed.  Where YOU are, enjoying a good night’s sleep on your weird, round bolster pillow.  Haahhhhnk zhoooo.  Haahhhhnnnk zhooooo. Zhoooooo.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzhhooooooooo.

You are off in La-La Land, completely unaware that a zombie has been drawn by the smell of your rancid snoring and your…no, not brains.  All the experts know that zombies don’t eat brains anymore since the whole Mad Cow Disease thing a while back.  Instead, the zombie is drawn by the smell of your…HEART!


What?!?  Wheeeeee!!!    GAH?  Guhhhhhhhh!  Gulllulululululululgggggg.

And just like that, the undead has its arm elbow-deep in your thoracic cavity, rummaging around in there for your burning heart.  It’s curtains for you; Curtains I tell ya! 

See??  What’s not to LOVE (ok, hate.  Mostly hate.  Well…all hate, all the time actually) about that?!?  But?  I fear my story has become tiresome.  In which case, now is ze time vhen ve dance!

So many 80’s songs, which one should we dance TO?? 

We’ll settle on the blatantly obvious one: Survivor’s “Burning Heart” (which appeared in the 1985 movie Rocky IV and on its soundtrack album).   

In the burning heart just about to burst
There’s a quest for answers an unquenchable thirst
In the darkest night rising like a spire
In the burning heart the unmistakable fire

This round of the “80’s song for every moment in life” goes to…ME!  I know, I know: Eat your heart out. 

Heh, heh, heh.  Or better yet, have a zombie do it.  In the middle of the night.  While you’re off in La-La Land.  Nummy, num, num.  ME LOVVVVE HEARTS!  <–That was the zombie talking, not me.  But that part where I said ‘not me,’ that WAS me talking.  But this isn’t really about ME, it’s about you.  And how you never, ever win any rounds in our “80’s song” game.  Just sayin’.  And yes, that WAS me sayin’.  But I’m really done sayin’ stuff now.  

Beware of Zombies

Yesterday I was running on the treadmill, reading my bookclub book AND watching the Today Show.  Multitask much?  Hey!  You’re talkin’ to the same chick who went to grad school full-time AND worked full-time.  Or who worked full-time AND chaired the annual school fundraiser THREE YEARS IN A ROW.  So don’t mess with me.  I’ll TELL you I’ll cut you in the parking lot…then I’ll CUT YOU in the parking lot.

While I was running/reading/watching the Today Show, there was a segment warning all of America that they should NOT be putting various bumper stickers on their car. 

For example, those stick figure family decals?  They let criminals know that sharp, thin people live at your house.  And that one of those people might do baseball and the other ballet.  Which means that they might follow you to ballet practice and steal your pink toe-shoes. 

Or those “My student soars at Eaglecrest Middle School” bumper stickers let criminals know where your kid goes to school and when you might be dropping him off.

So they can race over to the school and watch you drop your kid off.  Then steal his lunch.

Yes…it’s all very frightening.  But what the Today Show DIDN’T mention, was the zombies.  In my opinion, not mentioning the zombie activity engendered by these bumper stickers was a real mis-step on their part.  Because it leaves the entire population unaware of all of the negative zombie ramifications.

Can you see this back window decal which I took a picture of during my own investigative reporting stint when I was reporting on bad reporting?  It says, “Zombies Ate My Stick Figure Family – insert bloody zombie hands here – Yours Is Next.”

See?  Zombies are the real problem here.  Why doesn’t anyone ever mention the zombies??