Excuse me? You right there. Is my circadian rhythm showing!? I think it must be. Because for the last week – since we all Fell Back – I’ve been waking up at 4:59 am. On. The. Dot.
And yes, yes, yes, I understand that I’m part of an advanced society that can “bend time” twice a year to suit its needs; mostly so that we can make our morning coffee in the daylight instead of pre-dawn. While I’m not sure who decided it was gonna go down like that, I recognize we do it because we are a progressive people who drink antifreeze in their cinnamon whisky shots. We have the wherewithal to conceive of an idea, and then the capabilities to “make it so.” (That was a quote from Star Trek. Is my nerd showing now too?!)
But honestly, I’d be WAY more impressed with my advanced society if they figured out how to instantaneously re-set my INTERNAL clock at Fall Back time. 5:59 am is a much more do-able rise-and-shine time than 4:59 am is.
And you know what would be the MOST impressive of all?!? Even MORE impressive than inventing Internal Clock Fall Back Time? Which is similar to Hammer Time, by the way. But different. Because THIS you can touch. Would be to just acknowledge already that time travel capabilities exist, and that they’ve been in existence since the whole Philadelphia Experiment rumor started.
This approach would allow me to openly use the teleporter I currently keep hidden in my laundry room. Pssst! I bought it when we were living in Pennsylvania, specifically on a trip to Philadelphia. You can get ‘em cheap from a dude on the corner of Market Street by the Liberty Bell. Most of the time he pretends he’s just selling knock off handbags and such. If you can’t find him, then your next best bet is the Naval Shipyard. Once you get there, just ask the guard for the USS Eldridge and wink several times.
Because IF I could use my teleporter instead of being all hush-hush about it, then future me could come back to waking-up-way-too-early me, and deliver my coffee BEDSIDE! No matter WHAT the hour, daylight or otherwise. Screw you, AND the horse you rode in on, Fall Back!
How’s THAT for advanced?!? Coffee? Tea?? Me?! Ha, ha, ha. That’s a little joke we teleporter peeps have with our future selves. It’s a thing people in the future do. You wouldn’t understand.
However, everyone knows that a Temporal Paradox is created when two versions of yourself exist in one place with coffee. If you don’t get the coffee just right, then the whole thing becomes extremely dangerous to the fabric of reality. And to anyone who isn’t good at math. Their heads just POP right OFF!
Which means the teleporter idea just isn’t feasible in this country. They teleport all the time in China because as a society, they’re way better at math than we are. But here? In the good ‘ol U.S. of A. where we INVENTED time travel? It’s just not feasible. Most people aren’t good at math and therefore can’t be trusted. This forces ALL of us to time travel (air quotes on that while rolling the eyes) the old-fashioned way: by shoving around the hours, one at a time, until we get time-to-make-the-coffee just right.
Which is fine, I suppose. A body does get used to it, afterall. Eventually, that is. Take yesterday, for example – Sunday, the ONE day in the entire week I get to sleep in. Guess what time I woke up?
Yep. 5:59 am. On. The. Dot.