How to go on?

Does there come a time in everyone’s life where the decisions you’ve made seem like bad ones?  Where you question what you’re doing here?  And why??  You wonder whether He really cares if you’re on this path or not?  And where will it all end??

Well…that time has come for me.  And Tony Horton.  And this Dark Night of the P90X Soul he’s subjecting me to.

I don’t think I’m getting anything out of this.  I mean, the stomach pooch (ok, blub) is maybe slightly smaller.  Maybe.

But I’m not sure it’s worth the increased visits to the chiropractor, the most recent of which was yesterday.  I didn’t even TALK about my back at that visit.  Instead we spent the time talking about this pain ON my knee.  Not INSIDE my knee.  ON my knee.  I explained that it hurts when you touch it (or kneel on it.  As in – I can’t do any of your b.s. push-ups the “right” way, Tony, so I gotta support myself on my knees and now they hurt, Jackdaw!).

At which point I dutifully rolled up my pant leg so the doctor could take a closer look (My Advice: in addition to wearing cute underwear when you visit the chiropractor, make sure you shave your legs!).

“How about when I press here?”  Owww!

“Mmm hmmm.  And how about here?”  OWWWWWW!!!  What IS that?  What are you PRESSING on??

“Well…it’s called a Gertie’s Carbuncle and everyone has one.  Yours seems to be swollen and surrounded by fluid.”

Ok, the doctor may not have called it a carbuncle, but it was definitely a Gertie’s something.  And it hurts like HE## when you press on it.  So the resolution?  Is to rake over it with a Pampered Chef pan scraper device.  RAKE, RAKE, RAKE!!!  Then rake UP the leg where the sciatic nerve descends and throw in a nipple tweak for good measure.  Kidding about the nipple tweak.  But really.  Would that have made it any WORSE?  Or BETTER?!?


Then the doctor put K-Tape on my Gertie’s Carbuncle with strict instructions to “rub the tape” periodically throughout the day to disburse the fluid.  And to ice the leg because there might be some bruising.

SOME bruising?  Yeah – ya think??!

I’ve had K-Tape once before.  A long time ago.  On my forearm.   Back when I had a job and all the tappity, tap, tapping  I did on my keyboard in the name of software marketing brought out a Gertie’s Carbuncle on my elbow.  When I got back to work after that K-Tape maiden voyage, a guy in the elevator asked me in hushed tones if I had a mixed martial arts injury.  To which I promptly replied “Yes!” and acted all intimidating and Judo-y before I got off on my floor.

K-Tape is really pretty nifty.  And it DOES work (albeit in an obscure, needles-stuck-in-a-d0ll-resembling-me sort of way).  But this time around you can’t even SEE the K-Tape so what’s the point?  No one’s gonna know what a bada$$ I am.  Me and my bada$$, mixed martial arts, Home Mom, P90X New Year’s Resolution self.  So what’s the POINT?!?

Tony?  I ask you.  Is it worth it??  Is ANY OF THIS WORTH IT?!?  How can I even go on??  I’ve got a whole ‘nother month of this crap.  WHEN IS MY STOMACH GONNA GET FLAT?!??!

Oh.  And for your information, Tone-ster?  I “found the burn.”  It’s over here in the armchair, by the fireplace as I eat homemade cookies and watch Real Housewives while ICING MY GERTIE’S CARBUNCLE.  Ya Effer.  Hope you’re happy.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *