Car Wars

I’m a do-er.  Doin’ things.  Yeah, it keeps me busy.  So busy I haven’t had time to blog; What’s it to ya?!

(Jersey Girl will TELL you she’ll cut you in the parking lot…and then she’ll CUT you in the parking lot.  Do NOT piss Jersey Girl off.)

Mostly I’ve been busy buying a new car.  Because when you only buy a new car once every thirteen years, it takes some time.

First, I had to pray about it:

“Oh, Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes-Benz?  My friends all drive Porches, I must make amends.”

Ha, ha, ha.  That wasn’t really me praying.  That would’ve been dumb.  That was me singing about Janis Joplin praying.  For a Mercedes-Benz.  Which was also dumb, because look where it got her.

No.  No Mercedes-Benz for me…but originally I did really, really, REALLY want a BMW.  That’s Beemer to you.

But when I test drove the much desired Beemer?  I was PISSED OFF!  Ratchet.  Beemer be total ratchet inside.  Which was annoying as all get out because I was ready to fall in wuv, twew wuv with you BMW.  But you blew it.  Also?  Beemer sales dude made us stand outside the whole time, no cozy chat around a rickety linoleum table for us.  Nope, we stood beside the running car we had been test driving when dude’s boss called him to tell him to come back.  What the WHAT?!?  Maybe he wasn’t actually a salesperson?  Maybe he was somebody’s little brother back at the dealership who took us joyriding with him until he got “caught.”  This might explain why he had no marketing material to give us on the car because they were “all out” of marketing material.  Really??  “All out” of marketing material for a car that costs fifty large?!?  Okey doke.  Then I guess you can be all out of ME as a customer.

Next stop, Lexus.  Which was slightly more impressive that Ratchet Town.  Especially that part where, before they even show you the car, they walk you through their amazing state-of-the-art spaceship and point out the 100 year old billiards table and the fully stocked coffee bar and the 60 person private theater.  Uhhh…what does ANY of this have to do with cars?!?  But if you had showed me where to get the free shots of Fireball?  I would have been yours for life.  Your bad.

Now, granted we were looking at more of a crossover and not at the big behemoth Lexus that costs more than my first house because A) I’m morally opposed to buying cars that cost more than my first house, and B) The rear lift gate on the big behemoth Lexus was created using a total dingdong design.  The rear lift gate – which opens to the SIDE instead of UP (like EVERY other rear lift gate on EVERY other car in the WORLD) – pretty much guarantees the rear lift gate will be sheared off the first time Sonny tries to put his baseball gear in the back.

So, no behemoth for us, but the interior of the crossover was very nice.  Until I sat in the driver’s seat and the ceiling knocked my sunglasses off my head.  Oh?  Wha’up with that!?  And when 6’4” Hubby sat in it after me, he looked like he was sitting in a Barbie jeep.  Only short stuff goes in your Lexus, Lexus?? 

Anyway, Nosy Parker wants to know what we ended up with.  Well I’ll tell Nosy Parker who will be sure to tell you: we ended up with an Acura.  Safety ratings blah, blah, blah.  And it goes super-fast so the cops can’t catch me when I’ve had too much Fireball.  Kidding.  Totally kidding.  Safety first.  And the interior’s nice…and tall.

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