So we were at Freddy’s for dinner the other night. And screw you if you have something to say about my home cookin’.
And when we got back in the car afterwards, it wouldn’t start. Swell.
We had seen some suspicious youths loitering around the dumpster near the car. And I, being my mother’s daughter and therefore constantly on the look-out for carjacking scams, was worried that the loitering youths had pulled some wires out of our car so as to disable it long enough to jump us when we got out to look. They would then either rob us or quickly put the wires back in the car and steal the car while we left standing by the side of the street wondering what all the wires were for.
My husband’s theory? That it was a dead battery. I think you join me in saying, Snoozeville!
So an hour later, we’re still sitting in the dead car in the dark of night waiting for AAA to bring us a new battery when a man comes up to our car and knocks on the window. No, that’s not scary as S**T considering the fact that I’m STILL thinking we’re going to be carjacked any moment now since it’s all part of the carjackers’ technique to lull us into a sense of security by waiting a full HOUR before carjacking us. The man says that a woman parked a few rows behind us actually HAD her car stolen and he wondered how long we’d been sitting here and had we seen anything? Uh, nothing but SOME SUSPICIOUS YOUTHS! I KNEW THEY WERE SUSPICIOUS!!
Apparently the woman had dropped her keys on the way into Freddy’s and hadn’t bothered to retrieve them. At which point the thieves IT WAS THE SUSPICIOUS YOUTHS – I CAN SENSE SUSPICIOUS CARJACKING YOUTHS!!! went around clicking her fob until her car lit up. Whereupon they stole it.
So Sonny, who had been sitting quietly in the back this whole time, is growing more and more agitated by the various carjacking discussions underway. This naturally makes him think of his worst fear: zombies. Which makes him wonder out loud if we were ever afraid of anything in the nighttime when we were kids.
I admit that yes, I was afraid of stuff when I was a kid. “In fact,” I say, “I’m afraid of stuff NOW and most especially when your dad is away on a business trip…”
But before I say more, it occurs to me that it would be a bad, baaaaaad idea to tell the kids that it’s my biggest fear that the hand that has lived under my bed for the last 40 plus years will finally, FINALLY reach out and TRIP me when I get out of bed to go to the bathroom while Hubby is away on business.
Yep. Nope, that would be bad. But Sonny is in the back begging to know what I’m afraid of. So instead of actually telling him about the tripping hand, I decide it would be funny to describe something super cute, like a kinkajou, as my biggest fear. And the more I describe it, the clearer it will become that it’s super cute and nothing to be worried about. I’m a fun mom like that. And then we’ll all laugh about how Mom is afraid of kinkajous when Dad’s away on business trips. Ha, ha, ha.
So I start out with, “Ok. I’ll describe what I’m afraid of: It’s got big, BIG brown eyes.” Whereupon Sonny says, “No! No!! Stop, Mom. STOP!!! That’s too scary with the eye thing!”
Which is fine because the AAA guy has finally arrived. He diagnoses a dead battery yawn and begins to put a new one in. Since it’ll take twenty minutes or so, he suggests we go for icecream to pass the time.
As we’re walking away from the car, Sonny-who-is-ALWAYS-up-for-icecream is hanging back and claiming he doesn’t want to go for icecream.
He’s looking at the AAA guy as he says it. I tell him it’s fine and the AAA guy won’t let anyone steal the car while we’re away.
Sonny tilts his head towards the AAA guy and says out of the corner of his mouth, “What if HE steals it??”
Huh. Hadn’t thought of that, but it’s a good point. That’s my boy. That’s my boy.