Because I find it completely hilarious, and this is my blog, I’d like to take this opportunity to once again offer insightful comments and recommendations on the crochet patterns I just received in yesterday’s crochet newsletter.
I know, I know. It’s gonna be fun. But shhh, shhhhh! It’s starting, so quiet down. And for those of you who are still wondering WHY I’m receiving crochet patterns automatically in my email, you can just SHUT IT! But thanks for stopping by and here we go…
1. Foolproof Infinity Scarf This pattern name implies that there are a lot of fools in your life. So many that you should proof against them with this scarf. In fact, this scarf is to fools as garlic is to vampires. It repels them. Makes them stay away. Wear it. I dare you.
2. Back to School Dress Heavens to Murgatroyd! This pattern involves crocheting AND sewing. In addition, it will NOT help your child fit in the first day of school. So please, no. Absolutely no.
3. 30 Minute Beanie This pattern is actually for a baby boy. But since my family has fairly tiny heads, I’m now having visions of making color-coordinated ones of these for the whole gang for our next skiing trip. Oh. Wait. That’s right, we all HATE skiing and I don’t think tiny homemade hats will make it any better. So I guess not.
4. Pumpkin Spice Cowl Don’t let the name fool you. It’s only called “Pumpkin” because that’s the color of the yarn, not because that’s the type of head you’ll look like you have if you wear this cowl. Because it’s not your HEAD that will look huge if you wear this cowl, it’s your body. You see, the cowl is actually a tiny poncho look-alike. So it either gives the impression that someone accidentally shrunk your once normally fitting poncho…or you’re HUGE. But if you can pull off a Fat Man in a Little Poncho look, then go for it! Also, there are pompoms. Just fyi on that.
5. Bubblegum Baby Leg Warmers Because really? The ONLY one who could “do” bubblegum colored leg warmers would be a baby. Who sleeps most of the time. And can’t talk (or walk) yet. And while the instructions state that the pattern is easily customizable for adults, do not be fooled. If you can read words and dress yourself, you should not be wearing pink leg warmers. End of discussion.
6. Jingle Bells Holiday Scarf Ooooh, yes! You won’t have a fun holiday without this scarf. Make several of them right now. Even make one for each of your children’s teachers for Christmas gifts instead of that boring yawn money envelope. They’ll thank you much more heartily for the love that goes into this scarf than they ever would for cold, hard cash. Ha ha. Just kidding. They’d actually cut your heart out and wrap it up in this red-and-green yarn clusterbomb. So skip that whole plan.
7. Fashionable Poncho If you click-through to the pattern, you will discover that this creation was originally named the “Fling Ponchini.” I personally would have named it “Looks like a hairy squirrel died recently on your shoulders” but I suppose Fling Ponchini will do. Please note you can wear the dead squirrel two ways. How fun.
8. Sexy Leg Warmers If by “Sexy” they meant “Bulky, Lace-up Lederhosen” then yes. Yes, these are they. Do it to it!
9. 60 Minute Cowl Did you see that expose on Cowls? It was great. They used a black light for some of it. I think it was on 48 Hours. Or maybe it was 60 Minutes? Either way, this pattern isn’t half bad. It gives off a pretty cool Katniss vibe. Not bloody, fighting-for-her-life Katniss, you understand, but more of a Katniss-hunts-prey-in-the-woods-to-feed-her-family Katniss. As a side note, this is TOTALLY what I would wear if I had to go hunting in the woods to feed my family. Hey, Creep! Of course I’d wear a warm winter coat too and not JUST the cowl. Creep.
10. Fall Fashion Leg Warmers What’s with all the leg warmers?! Leg warmers better not be back in fashion! Because, really, there are certain words that should never, EVER be combined with “Leg Warmers.” “Fashion” being one of them. They are mutually exclusive. In addition, Flashdance called and they want their total crap looking leg thingies back.
Up next? “12 Church-Approved Crochet Patterns.” That’s EXACTLY what today’s email title said. God’s honest truth. heh, heh, heh It seems mind-boggling to me that the church would get involved in approving crochet patterns, but I guess they must have. Maybe they penciled it in between the Saturday morning baptism and the afternoon wedding: approve crochet patterns.
Just you wait. Crochet in CHURCH?? By all that’s HOLE-y (that is a pun in more ways than one. And that? Just rhymed! No applause please, just tens and twenties.), it’s gonna be fun!