“Grand” is a misnomer. “Grand” makes me think Flappers are standing on some rocky ledge doin’ the Charleston while dapper fellas in jaunty hats stand behind them belting down drinks named “highball” and “sidecar.” In general , everyone’s havin’ a GRAND time. Boop boop-ee doop!
But that would be WRONG! Because when I was there a few weeks ago, there wasn’t a Flapper in sight. And that canyon is BIIIIIG. And DEEP! With lots and lots of rocks!!!
So perhaps it shoulduv been more aptly named “Rocky” Canyon? Naw. Maybe “Big and Deep” Canyon?? Or how’s about “Deep and Wide” Canyon?!? THAT has a nice ring to it. THAT, I could get behind. Because a Canyon that’s Deep and Wide would most likely have milk and honey on the other side. In which case, I’m in!
But “Deep and Wide” still seems too kinder-and-gentler for what that canyon really is. Because what it really is? Is just plain scary. Scary as a sumbitch.
Scary Canyon. Yep. NOW I’m in. Scary Canyon where you too can have a frightening, nerve-racking time!
And you thought I hated skiing…but what I really hate is heights. (And spiders, but that’s another show.) And the Scary Canyon has a LOT of heights. So many heights that you start to feel like you might “accidentally” fall right in. As a result of a good, hard shove…or because of some unintended tripping…or even due to an incident involving a combination of melon head/gravity/leaning-too-far. And then you’d boing! boing! bounce all the way down those rocky outcrops ‘til there’s cantaloupe splattered EVERYWHERE.
And that trick I developed to gain some perspective when I’m feeling too high up? That trick of only looking as far as the tips of my skis instead of ALLLLLL the way down, down, down?!? That trick doesn’t work at Scary Canyon. Because there are no skis there.
You know what else they don’t have at Scary Canyon?? Silence. Particularly in my group. Because in my group, there was a lot of yelling. By someone. Directed at other someones who were getting too close to the edge. Or WALKING BACKWARDS DOWN SOME STUPID TRAIL WAAAAAY TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE. GET AWAY FROM THE EDGE!! STOP IT NOW!!! GET AWAY FROM THE EDGE!!! YOU’RE GONNA DIE! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
See what I mean? There was a LOT of yelling. By someone.
And creeping. Or we could even use the word “sidling” here. Because how many times in your life do you actually GET to use the word sidling?!? Sidling. Sidling. Did I spell that right? Sidling. Is it starting to sound weird to anyone else? Sidling. Sidling. Does ‘sidling’ make anyone else think of ‘foundling’: a baby who doesn’t have parents BECAUSE THEY FELL IN THE SCARY CANYON!!!
Ok. Pull back. Deep breaths. I was just simply noting that there is LOTS of sidling at the Scary Canyon. Sidling along the OTHER side of the path; the side of the path FURTHEST away from the edge. With your head turned completely AWAY from viewing any possible milk and honey nonsense. And stay low. Whatever you do, STAY LOW!!! Bend yourself completely in half if you have to! Duck walk. Hold on to tall grasses and scrubby pines to anchor yourself as you inch along! Whatever you gotta do because that incessant wind will most likely blow your light-as-a-feather a$$ right over the side if you don’t STAY LOW!!!
To make matters worse, during my visit to the Scary Canyon, I had the GRANDEST zit on my chin. It was sooo GRAND that Sonny kept saying, “Mom! What IS that on your chin?? EVERYONE’S looking at it!!”
Really? REALLY??! Everyone here at SCARY CANYON was looking at my CHIN???
Quite possibly. Because that thing was HUGE. It was almost like a second head, but slightly smaller and redder, coming out of my chin. BOOM-boom-boom…BOOM-boom-boom… [That was my panic. Throbbing with every beat of my heart. In my chin.]
So there you have it. Some friendly advice for when you go to the Scary Canyon. Please leave the second-head-on-your-chin at home. Because it just attracts too much attention to all the sidling and yelling.
In summation, it’s best to view the Scary Canyon from the parking lot. A mile away. While lying flat on your belly.
But go if you can. Because it’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It rocks! hee hee hee. See what I did there? ROCKS?!? Boop boop-ee doop!
Speaking of heights and spiders… I specifically remember hiking halfway down the Grand Canyon and nearly putting my hand in a nest of spiders (b/c I was trying to find a hand grip so I wouldn’t go hurtling over the ledge while I was peeing behind this big rock.) You haven’t seen scary like that!
That sounds like a perfect storm of horribleness. Especially that part about the peeing. Well…and the spiders and the high-up-hiking…but back to the peeing: I’m pretty sure that sort of thing isn’t sanctioned by the U.S. Parks & Rec Dept. So it’s a good thing you took that trip with another favorite sister.
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