Make a scene
Let them know what you really mean
And dance all night, keep the beat
And don’t you worry ’bout two left feet…
Why yes, those are the lyrics to that 1981 song by the Cars titled “Shake It Up” from their album of the same name.
Is it in your head yet?!
‘Cause it’s in mine. And I wanted to share the wealth. I’m nice like that. A true giver, really.
Also? You have been SCHOOLED, Son! You have been SCHOOLED in this “80’s song for every moment in life” game that we play. I have SCHOOLED you; and you have been SCHOOLED!
But where I was really going with all of this is that I have GOT to tell you about the most bizarre business-y behavior I have ever witnessed.
I was at a fundraising event. It was at an outdoors walk-a-thon being held in a park adjacent to a kiddie amusement area (complete with rides, snacks, birthday parties blah, blah, blah). And when the walk was over, I spotted a man standing in the crowd whose right hand was covered with a plastic bag. He was chatting to people. AND PEOPLE WERE SHAKING HIS HAND! WHICH WAS COVERED BY A PLASTIC BAG!!
As I eventually understood it – when he had arrived at the walk, he had seen cotton candy for sale at the amusement area and had gotten a bag of it. A grown man, eating a whole bag of cotton candy in the 88-degree heat in sunny Phoenix, AZ during a fundraising walk, subsequently came down with a severe case of Sticky Hand Syndrome. So to protect everyone in the vicinity from inadvertently shaking his sticky hand, he then covered it with the empty cotton candy bag when he was done.
BUT PEOPLE SHOOK HIS STICKY, PLASTIC-BAG COVERED HAND ANYWAY!!!
Did I mention that already? Seems like I may have. In which case: What. The. Hell!?!
That was full-on wack, and I can’t figure out why people would be shaking the hand…of a man…whose hand…was covered with a plastic bag…and was clearly OFF-LIMITS…for shaking!!!
But I have some theories, none of which make any sense:
- Did people think the man had a painful medical condition being protected by the bag? Uh…then why are you SHAKING THE HAND of a man WITH A PAINFUL MEDICAL CONDITION!! On his HAND?!?
- Or perhaps these people thought he had a communicable disease and was pioneering some inexpensive “hand rubber” concept?? In which case, you deserve whatever Scabies you get, ya moron!
- Conversely, perhaps HE could have been trying not to catch whatever OTHERS had on their hand. Because Godonlyknowswhereyourhandhasbeen!
- Was Bag Man playing the part of Curley in “Of Mice and Men” and was taking the glove-full-of-vaseline, keeping-his-hand-soft-for-his-wife character flaw a bit too seriously?!? Ewwww! You’re completely gross! Either way, WHY ARE YOU SHAKING THAT SOFT LITTLE HAND?!!
- Maybe some folks thought he had just had a hand transplant? And they wanted to show him how cool and accepting they were of his new hand?? Come ON! THINK ABOUT IT!! If he had just had a hand transplant, the last place he would be, would be a fundraising walk! With his new hand protected by nothing more than a crappy plastic bag with COTTON CANDY CALORIE INFORMATION clearly printed on it!
And quite frankly, I don’t really care WHAT you were thinking when you shook the hand-in-the-bag. It was weird. You are weird. Always, ALWAYS think before you shake.
Speaking of which…
Shake it up oo-oo
Shake it up oo-yeah
Shake it up oo-oo
[how ‘bout now?!]