Whoopsie!  Tee-hee-hee…did I say DRUNKO?!  Because I actually meant BUNCO.  Which is a new dice game I learned this week.  But it could totally be called Drunko.  Because there’s a lot of drinking.  A lot.  Of drinking.

This Maiden Bunco Voyage o’mine occurred at the local country club.  Where I was the only woman in my 40’s.  There was one woman in her 50’s and the rest of them were 65 or older if they were a day.  And these gals are CUT THROAT when it comes to Bunco.   Because money is involved.   And drinking.   But I already mentioned the drinking.

What I may not have mentioned yet was that – in honor of the Olympics – the country club was handing out free Moscow Mule drinks to the Bunco players.  Uh-huh.  So now you can see where this is all headed, right?  But before we get there, here’s what I have to say about Moscow Mules:

They’re fun…until they kick your teeth in. 

And then?   Then you wonder where your teeth went.

In the meantime, does anyone else think Moscow Mules taste like Christmas potpourri mixed with gingerale?  But they do come in these nifty little copper cups with handles.  (And no, to the lady in the corner who was starting a copper cup collection: you don’t get to KEEP the copper cups.  You have to return them at the end of the night.  But nice try.) 

The old-timey copper cup has the added benefit of making you feel like a Miner Forty Niner.  All you’d need in order to complete the mental Miner picture is a tin plate of beans warmed up over the fire.

So there you are.   Drinking Moscow Mules and rolling dice with a bunch of 65-year-old miners who are wearing the most beautiful diamond rings you’ve ever seen in your life.  I mean these monsters are FLASHING in the lights as their owners are rolling, rolling, rolling dice for dollars. 

You’re maybe following the rules.  Maybe not.  But you have a partner.  Who’s keeping you on track.    Unless YOU were supposed to be the partner keeping track of the track?  Uh-oh. 

A bell rings at the head table and you begin.  First there’s a 1’s round.  Then a 2’s round.  And so forth.  During the 1’s round, the 1’s count as 1.  Unless you roll three of them all-at-once.  In which case that’s “Bunco” and it’s worth twenty-one points.  When that round is over, you move on to the 2’s round.  During the 2’s round, every time you roll a 2, they count as 1.  Oh crap!  Is it just me, or is the math getting harder?  Another Moscow Mule, please!  And when you roll three 1’s like last round, it’s actually no longer Bunco, but something called Funco.  Normally a Funco would count as 5 points but because Head Granny said that 1’s were something called “Wipeout” you now LOSE all your points AND your partner’s points.  Wait!  Whaaaat?!  WTF??  Another Moscow Mule NOW!  I thought this was gonna be a GAME!  What’s up with all this MATH?!??  And my partner SUCKS!  Unless I’M the sucky partner?!??

You work your way up through the 3’s, 4’s and 5’s to the 6’s and then you start all over again with 1’s.  It’s getting louder and rowdier.  Everyone’s face is beet red.  And they’re morse-coding the light reflected from their rings right into your eyes.  Women are stumbling over to the snack table piled high with peanuts and sugar cookies.  There’s laughter, math and a bell ringing off in the distance – or in your head. 

And then?  And THEN??  You get your teeth kicked in. 

But it’s ok.  Because everyone else has just had their teeth kicked in too.  So now the room completely resembles the annual meeting of the Toothless Miner Forty Niners club.  Everyone has an old-timey copper cup in one hand.  Our noses are touching our chins, our faded red flannel shirts need a good wash, and just about everyone there could use a new pair of suspenders.  We’re all huddled over a pile of teeth in the center of the table.  Trying to sort out whose teeth are whose.  And no one’s making any headway. 

I look BAD without any teeth; I never did find them.  But I struck gold – and won twenty-five bucks.   Gee-gee-gee-gee [insert toothless laughter here]

And that’s how you drink Moscow Mules. 

Wait!  Were we talking about something else?  Why do I feel like we were talking about something else?!   Oh.  That’s right.  It’s Valentine’s Day…that must have been what we were just talking about.  Happy Valentine’s Day!   Hash anyone sheen my teeshth??

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