Why I outta send you to the moon!

I go to Nordstrom’s…ohhhhhh…about once every 12 years.

To me, it’s like walking on the moon.  It’s so quiet and dead in there, your voice echoes (HELLO!…hello…hello…).  There’s never anyone around (ANYONE?  anyone…anyone  CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?  hear me…hear me).  You have to get specially suited up to go there only to find they have about three of everything – all in toothpick sizes.  It’s cold as Hell and the prices are out of this world!

In fact, I usually just walk THROUGH Nordstrom’s to get to the rest of the mall.

But today?  Today is gonna be different.  I’m gonna pop some tags…Only got twenty dollars in my pocket…I – I – I’m hunting, looking for a come-up…This is ******* awesome.  (Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Thrift Shop – original release date: October 9, 2012.)

Why no, it’s not an 80’s song.  But it’s still playing in my head.  ‘Cause this is how I feel: like the home boy who has to shop for threads at the thrift store and spend twenty-bucks max.  ‘Cept instead of twenty-bucks, I actually have a $50 gift card that I got for my birthday back in MAY and it’s taken me this long to work up my courage to use it.  It may as well be $20 ’cause there’s not gonna be ANYTHING at Nordstrom’s I can buy for $50, much less $20.  But I’m gonna give it the ole’ college try.

Speaking of college!  I’m going to a sorority reunion in New York City this week-end and I thought THIS would be the perfect reason/time/opportunity to use my gift card to get something fun and cosmopolitan.  Hello (hello…hello) big city!  Here I come (come…come).

But as I’m parking my car, a woman comes out of Nordstrom’s full-out sobbing.  Heavens to Betsy!  What is going on??  In that store?!?

Before I can ask her if she’s ok (Was it a bad sale?  Only size 00 left??  What IS the problem?!?) she gets in her Lexus and drives off.  Guess she didn’t want to confide to the Home Mom in the 11-year-old Honda minivan with hail damage all over the hood.  Whatev’s b*tch!

Now I’m copping a ‘tude.  I’m all belligerent as I pull down the visor of my space helmet.  Gettin’ ready to breathe the rarefied atmosphere inside the store.  I hope I don’t come out sobbing!

There’s a pianist playing on the floor above me.  I can see the mall and freedom off in the distance; I so, so, so wanna go there.  But I’m here for the duration.  It’s just that I come here so infrequently I don’t know where the New York City college sorority reunion clothes are located.  So I make a quick pass through the ENTIRE store…going all the way up to the 3rd floor on the escalator (CRAP!  Only kids clothes and yoga stuff up here!) so I hook a U-y and head back down to the 2nd floor where I believe I have spotted some tags I could possibly pop with my gift card.

At this point, Mary Beth breezes up and asks if I’m shopping for anything special now that I got all the kids off to school in one piece.

I’m vaguely insulted by this line of questioning.  ‘Cause I’m not REALLY a Home Mom.  Am I? am I…am I…  Well not permanently.  Right? right…right…  And I’ve got WAY more important stuff to do then just come shopping at Nordstrom’s for some “me time” after the kids are off to school.  Yes, important things like finish my crochet project and clean the toilets.  Oh!  And write a blog about high-powered marketing execs turned unemployed bloggers slash Home Moms…home moms…home moms…

But what I actually say is, “Why yes. Yes, Mary Beth.  I AM shopping for something special.  You see, I’m going to a sorority reunion in New York City…”  I don’t get any further than that because Mary Beth has clapped her hands in front of her and actually SQUEALED!

Good Lord, Mary Beth.  Maybe YOU need to get out more.

And as she chattering on about how excited she is for me (uh, have we met before, Mary Beth?) she’s grabbing clothes left and right.  I catch a glimpse of …gulp…a $178 price tag on a blouse that looks JUST LIKE the blouse at Kohl’s for $14.99 BEFORE the 30% off coupon!  So I’m actually RELIEVED when I spot the $99 price tag on a different blouse.  (Ok, that wouldn’t be so bad.  That would be like spending $50 of my OWN money.  Which I could do.  Right?…right…right…)

I’m in the dressing room and removing my hermetically sealed lunar boots when I hear another customer ask Mary Beth about picking up her specially tailored pants.  (Where did all of these people come from all of a sudden?!)    And while Mary Beth breezes off to the backroom, I quickly try on about half of the clothes then put them all on the hook and slip out the door to the sales rack I spotted.  And there it is!  The sweater of all time…and space!  It’s PERFECT for walking around NYC in the Fall.  AND?  It’s on sale for $39!!!!  THIS. IS. MY. SWEATER. DESTINY!!!


Mary Beth and I are reunited at the cash register where she drips ice while asking me if this is all I’m getting.  Yes, Mary Beth.  This is my sweater destiny.  So I think we can call it a day.  And when I hand over my …gaaack!…gift card, she practically throws up on my hand.

As she rings me up (“You have $7 LEFT on your gift card”  jagged icicles splinter off the roof onto my unsuspecting head), she asks me where I’m staying in New York.  I don’t dare reply, “Uh…the Hampton Inn in Queens with the free breakfast for the first night.”  Instead I say all breezy and careless, “Oh, the Gansevoort Hotel in the old meatpacking district.  It’s a big Kardashian hangout now.”  And just like that, I’m back in Mary Beth’s good graces.

Yippeee – Mission Accomplished! As I’m BOUNDING out the door (I might actually weigh LESS here!!) I’m thinking to myself that that was actually kinda fun.  Thank you, Nordstrom’s!

But now?  Now what am I EVER going to buy with SEVEN dollars at Nordstrom’s?!?

I don’t know.  But I’ll figure that out in another…12 years…years…years…

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