Testing, testing, 1-2-3, testing

Let’s review:

No, I don’t have a job yet.  But thanks for bringing it up!  [stink eye, stink eye]  And?  And now prospective employers are making me take personality tests before they’ll even talk to me.  Should I be worried about that?!  Uhm – I don’t THINK so.  But we’ll let you be the judge.

Here’s how my last round of testing went…

I receive a friendly little email from the recruiter indicating it’s their company’s standard practice to see how insane and/or stupid candidates are before they’ll even talk to them.  Which means that this will actually be TWO tests – one for insanity and one for stupidity.

The first test?  Some sort of “mental health” test which quickly becomes a road to Hell that messes with my mind and tricks me into revealing how completely off-my-rocker I really am.  But they’re kind enough to give me a list of possible answers to all the questions up front.  These I furiously write down in case they don’t provide the answers anywhere else in the test and this is in fact PART of the test to test my preparedness to TAKE the test.  (1.Always true, 2.Mostly true, 3.Sometimes true/sometimes false, 4.Mostly false, 5.Always false.)  But this test isn’t timed (phew!), so I can take the SLOW ROAD to Hell if I want.

The questions go something like this:

  • I am afraid of failing. [Well…sometimes I DO fail, but I’m not necessarily AFRAID of failing.  So it’s “Mostly true”]
  • I get depressed. [How is this ANY business of yours?!?  But ok, we’ll go with “Mostly false”]
  • I do not hurt people I love. [And here’s where the “double negative” component of the answers pops my head right off.  I pause EXTRA long to try to puzzle this out.  Is it “Mostly false”??!  Because I DON’T hurt the people I love.  Well, usually not on purpose.  But wait!  It should actually be “Mostly true” ’cause sometimes I DO hurt the people I love…but not on purpose.  Well, mostly.]
  • I am emotionally stable.  [THIS IS ALWAYS TRUE.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS!!!  I AM COMPLETELY STABLE!!!!!!  Why do you ask?]
  • I have friends of the opposite sex. [Did I accidentally stumble onto a dating service questionnaire?!?]
  • I seldom feel blue.  [I’m on to you.  You already asked me if I get depressed.  Now you’re just calling it “blue.”  Either way it’s none of your business but I think the answer is “Mostly true”]
  • I often feel blue.  [WTF?  Seriously?!?  ‘Seldom’ has now moved to ‘OFTEN’??  Is there going to be a diagnosis at the end of this??  This is WAY too personal for an employment test.  Next you’ll be calling my GYN to chat about my PAP smear results!!!] 

And now?  Now I have a song playing in my head which lasts for the rest of the day…

They’re coming to take me away, Ha-ha.  They’re coming to take me away, Ho-ho Hee-hee-haa-haa.  To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time.  And I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats.  And they’re coming to take me away, ha-ha!*

* “They’re Coming to Take Me Away” by Dr. Demento from his LP record released in 1985.  Boo-YAH!  And it turns out “An 80’s song for every moment in life” CAN be found in Pre-employment Mental Health Tests.  Howz about you take THAT to the funny farm, and put it in your white coat pipe and smoke it, why dontcha?!!!

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