Somehow the Crochet Gods found out I put “Crocheter” on my business card, and they’ve begun sending me a daily email entitled “Hooked on Crochet.” (hardy har har)
This email has single-handedly made me realize that I DON’T actually want “Crocheter” on my business card because them crochet chicks is wack.
Here is a selection of “much-loved crochet patterns” from my latest email. Beside the name of each pattern, I have indicated for you if this is something anyone else in the world would EVER want to have crocheted and given to them as a gift:
1. Crochet Rain Boots – Seriously??! NO.
2. Blueberry Pie Scarf – Possibly…but only if you can find the right yarn in those nice shades of deep, purple-y blue. If you can’t, then skip it.
3. Gypsy Goddess Hat – AKA Dubai Turban. With the subtitle, you can picture it now, right? And remember, it’s CROCHETED. In which case you’re agreeing with me that this is a total no.
4. My Luxury Scarf – It looks like a fringed scarf that was around the neck of a white stuffed reindeer my daughter got for Christmas one year. That scarf looked and felt like it was made with scratchy pink tinsel. And so does this one. No.
5. Mom’s Favorite Baby Blanket – It looks like everyone’s nightmare of a crocheted baby blanket…so, no.
6. Eliot Square – Total and complete crap. This is the stuff that gives crochet a bad name. Absa-frickin-lutely not.
7. Quickest Crochet Hat Ever – Well…this actually DOES have potential, especially with the jaunty little flower on it. And it’s this type of stuff that keeps me coming back to crochet. But I digress. We must continue on with our brutally honest look at the rest of the list.
8. African Flower Motif – Barf! No.
9. Millionaire Bag – This looks like the exact OPPOSITE of a millionaire bag. In fact, it’s actually a coupon bag. If I see anyone with their coupons in this bag. Ever. I will jump them in the parking lot.
10. Chunky Braided Cowl – Chunky is the operative word here. You will look that way if you wear this. No.
11. Papillion Scarf – Ho hum. Looks similar to the blueberry scarf ‘cept without the interesting blueberry color smooshed all over it. Naw.
12. European Goddess Tunic – There is exactly one extremely petite Asian woman in the whole world who could pull off this concept (a crocheted TUNIC?!?). So while the 1X, 2X, 3X upsizing on the pattern is super helpful – it’s completely unnecessary because if you have to upsize the pattern on this, you shouldn’t be wearing it. Nope.
13. Magnolia Afghan – This involves crocheting AND sewing. No.
14. Waltzing Fans Shawl – This is the most droopy lookin’ Granny doily thing that some moron repurposed as a shawl. NO!
15. Crochet Fall Headband – Again, this is the thing that makes me think I might be right back into wanting “Crocheter” on my business card. So yes! Yes to this one.
But then the sidebar on the email catches my eye. There’s a lady there modeling a Wonder Woman headband. A CROCHETED Wonder Woman Headband. Complete with a crocheted star which has been crocheted onto the crocheted crown-y type foreheadband. And? And I’m right back to…no. No! Get “Crocheter” OFF the business cards.