Costco Problem

Ok…there is something SERIOUSLY wrong at Costco.  How does THIS (see picture on LEFT of teeeeeny tiny list) become THIS (see picture on RIGHT of HUGE $75 receipt)??!


See??  Something is seriously wrong….right??!

In all fairness, perhaps it’s not so much COSTCO as me AT COSTCO.  I’ll tell you how it happens.  Trust me, I’ve thoroughly analyzed this phenomenon and have come up with the following grid to help you understand how it all goes down.  Each and every time.  Down.  Every.  Time.

I call it the Fantasy vs. Reality Phenomenon:

What I purchased   What I was thinking (aka “The FANTASY”)   What happened/will happen (aka “REALITY’)
Deep dish meat lovers pizza   Hmmm…I don’t have anything planned for dinner.  Pizza would be perfect and I have salad fixin’s in the fridge.  Alles klar, Herr Kommissar??   I paid $10 for the privilege of finding out that NO ONE in the whole frickin’ family even LIKES deep dish pizza.
Bagels   Oooh – this is a good breakfast idea now that school is almost back in session.  I will slice them and freeze them and then the kids can pull one out for breakfast or a snack.  Great idea!  And she shoots…she SCORES!   I sliced the dozen faux Einstein bagels (I say faux because they aren’t REALLY Einstein bagels otherwise there’d be salt on the ‘everything’ ones – trust the Jersey Girl on this) and as I put them in the freezer, I realized this was SUCH a good idea, that I HAD ALREADY THOUGHT OF IT…as evidenced by the DOZEN SLICED BAGELS ALREADY IN THE FREEZER!
Coffee   It’s on the list.  This is a total no-brainer.   I must drink a lot of coffee if I need to buy it in bulk from Costco.  But at least I’m saving money by doing so.  Right?  RIGHT??
Bananas   See above.   Turns out the crazy monkeys at my son’s sleepover-in-the-tent-in-the-backyard don’t WANT a dozen green bananas for breakfast and in fact can’t EVEN OPEN THEM despite their opposable thumbs.  Well, at least I only spent $1.39 on that clusterbomb.
Kale Salad   The sample was FANTASTIC!  The family is gonna LOVE this salad.   Who?  In the HELL is gonna eat a pound of kale salad??  Especially since it also contains shaved Brussel sprouts and broccoli??!  Speaking of farts…that was a total brain fart.  But perhaps I can pawn it off on my lunch club which meets at my house this week?  Please??     
Strawberries   Wow!  $2.99 for a pound of strawberries?  I’m in!   We will never eat these strawberries before they go bad.  I wonder what sort of meal I can make for my lunch club out of kale salad and slightly old strawberries.
Pulled pork   This pulled pork is fab.  I love having it in the fridge for a last-minute dinner idea or even guest meal.  Everyone loves it!  It doesn’t expire until November.    This pulled pork is fab.  I love having it in the fridge for a last-minute dinner idea or even guest meal.  Everyone loves it!  It doesn’t expire until November. 
Boneless ribs   Less than $10 for Tony Roma’s boneless ribs?  I can make a quick meal out of this one night next week.   TBD, but this has all the signs of turning out the way the deep dish pizza turned out.
Chicago Mix   This is a delicious mixture of yellow cheese and caramel popcorn all mixed into a jumbled mixture of sweet and salty goodness!  Perfect to have on hand for a summer snack to feed to the neighborhood kids.   I will eat the ENTIRE TWO-POUND BAG by myself and wonder why I can’t lose weight (and also wonder why my fingertips have a weird yellowish tinge to them).
Dixie plates   List, stupid!  In fact, I actually think I’m saving money and time by using paper plates.  There are a LOT of hidden costs that go into washing and maintaining dishes.  With that in mind…yep.  I’m definitely saving money.  At Costco.  With paper plates.  Yep.  Yep.   Noooooo.  Nope.  Nopenopenope.  Not saving a dime.  But thank you for playing. 





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