What.  The.  Hell?!   What the hell just happened?!

Everyone else called it our first swim meet.  I call it “total chaos.”  It was kindof like a cubscout meeting ‘cept all the kids were wearing swimsuits instead of blue shirts and kerchiefs.

And apparently there was a dress code for the mothers too – but I didn’t get the memo.  Most moms were dressed like they were gonna go play tennis with the queen then stay for her garden party afterwards.

Me?  I was wearing faded, stretchy sweatshorts & a jean jacket.  I rocked a tank top w/floral embellishments though.  In all honesty, I HAD planned to wear something slightly cuter (AND curl my hair) but then the dog built Puketown on the carpet at the top of the stairs.  Built Puketown INTO and AROUND the cow hoof he had been chewing on.  Which was convenient in an odd way because then I was able to use the hollow hoof to BAIL OUT the majority of Puketown!   Papertowels were used for what was left post-bail-out.  Gaack!  GAAAAAAACCCKKKKKK!!!

So the outfit went to heck-in-a-hand-basket & I just had to grab whatever was on the floor of my room so that we could fly out of the house to make the 6:45 am report-in deadline.  As the flying was occurring out the door, I caught a glimpse of the dog shredding the paper towels I had just used to clean Puketown.  Awesome.  Totally awesome.

This stellar start to the day meant that I was REALLY focused on wondering what the dog was doing NOW.  And NOW.  And even NOW.  So I gotta admit I wasn’t really paying too much attention to the meet.  Other than to note that there was a LOT of eating.  I’m wondering how much the breakfast buffet with sprinkle pancakes is gonna cost us?!?

And there was a LOT of yelling too.  Which I may have participated in.  But ONLY because I thought Sonny was missing and his race was up next.  So I went running into the boys’ bathroom YELLING his name.  Zero.  I went up to the breakfast buffet YELLING his name.   Zilch.  I even had the announcer ANNOUNCE his name.  Zip.

Turns out he was in “heating” the whole time.  “Heating” is where you wait like a good little swimmer until it’s your turn for the race.  I checked there but, Heck!  Don’t blame me!!  They ALL look alike with their matching swimsuits and caps and goggles.  How was I supposed to know he was playing the role of the good little swimmer today??!

Anywhooooo…I didn’t want to let this opportunity sliiiide (me funny.  me make funny pun about slippery-nesss in swim blog.  me very, very funny) to make a few other insightful observations:

• There’s this part of the meet, at the start, where you’re supposed to write your child’s events on their arm in permanent marker.  Just to keep everyone on track – them included – and most of all.  Well, we only had a green permanent marker…which actually ISN’T so permanent after you spread sun protection all over it.  Now Sonny has a big green SMEAR on his arm that looks like a prison tat gone bad.  And it will be there at least through the week-end.  Because NOW it’s permanent.
• A Freestyle race doesn’t actually mean ‘free-for-all’ which is what I thought it meant.  Freestyle is an actual, official swim stroke.  In other words, you can’t do “any ole’ crazy crap that would get you from one end of the pool to the other.”  So for example, doing a combo of underwater swimming and doggy paddle is NOT an option.  Like I said, I didn’t know this at the time.  But I know it now.  So just wanted to pass on my learnin’ to y’all.
• I’m pretty sure that screaming, “Pull, Bella, Pull!!!” at the top of your lungs doesn’t really “help” Bella pull any faster.  Yep.  Pretty sure.

Suffice to say – while this is the first “swimteam summer” of our lives, it may be the last.  If I had a job, I’d have to take the day off for this nonsense.  Or at least the morning.  And when I finally get WORK to take time off FROM?!  I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be for this!  Yep.  Pretty sure.

But I don’t have a job.  That’s why we’re doing sink-or-swimteam this summer.