Here is a little tale I wanted to tell you about yardwork…
Once upon a time, there was a woman who lived in a house with a yard. (We won’t go into how beautiful and princess-like she was/is. You get the picture.) But her husband traveled ALL the time…so if she wanted the yardwork done, she would have to do it herself. The most pressing matter was the weeds.
So one fine day – after a fine, fine rain – the time for weedpulling had come.
She gathered her tools and put on her sturdy gloves and stepped out into the dripping backyard. She wandered down the brick path, under the pine tree and promptly stepped into a huge pile of dogpoop. Which squished up and over her $120 running shoes and got on the trailing hem of her yoga pants.
GAAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!! She immediately started gagging and running around the yard hydroplaning on her poop shoes, all the while trying to dislodge the oddly mustard colored crap and screaming at her children (who weren’t there) about how they promised, PROMISED to pick up after the dog. They begged and BEGGED and BEGGED for a dog. And PROMISED, PROMISED, PROMISED to feed him and walk him and PICK UP AFTER HIM!
And she believed them. And she got them a dog. And they had done absolutely ZERO of the things they promised they would. The naughty, NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY children. (Where’s the witch who’s in charge of gobbling up children when you need her?!??)
So now? Now she DOESN’T believe them. And also now? Now THERE’S YELLOW POOP ON HER SHOES AND ON HER YOGA PANTS!!!!!!
And in the naughty children’s absence, she turned her ire on the dog, who was there and thought it was all a big poopy chase game. He ran from her and in the process ran his furry paws through all the poopy smears on the lawn which had been created as the beautiful, princess-like woman furiously tried to WIPE OFF all the poop that was SMOOSHED into the grooves of her running shoes. Her efforts – combined with the dog’s mad dash and the recently rained on grass – created an impromptu poopy slip-n-slide in the side yard.
At which point, barely holding on to her rising gorge, the woman retired from the game and returned to the house. Using as few fingers as possible, the woman took off her shoes and THREW them out the back door. She then immediately removed her poopy yoga pants and ran through the house screaming, pantless, up the stairs. All the while making GAAAACK-gaaaaAAAAAACKing noises. There may have also been swear words. A lot of swear words.
The dog and his poopy paws were last seen frolicking through the poopy yard with a poopy running shoe in his mouth.