Tennis Update

Here’s an update for ya.  I SUCK AT TENNIS!

I now have tennis elbow and my first match went for TWO AND A HALF HOURS!  When I got home after 11 pm that night, my husband was asking all these sly questions about where I’d been nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

I’VE BEEN PLAYING TENNIS FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS!  AND THERE WAS NO BEER OR WINE AFTERWARDS!!!  (yes, it was very shout-y; just like it’s typed here.)

I believe the match went so long because there was so much discussion about how the Komen tie-break worked.  (I never paid attention to it during practice because it was WAY too much math and I thought for sure it would never happen to me!)  And there was also a teeeensy weeeeensy bit of discussion about why my partner was receiving EVERY served ball.  At some point she and I spontaneously started switching sides left-and-right rather than moving backward and forward to receive the opponents’ serves.  We didn’t realize it until the other team pointed it out (“Have you been receiving the ball this WHOLE time??”).  It sent me into a fit of giggles THEN which also took up some time.  And every time I think about it, it sends me into a fit of giggles AGAIN.  Heeeee heee hee.  TEEEEEEEE HEEE HEEEEEE……..

My second match lasted for a LOT less time.  Because we lost both games.  Was I supposed to give someone my score on that?  Because I just walked away and went home.  Oh well.

But before the game was done, my partner tried to pull the same crazy switch-sides-left-and-right-rather-than-move-back-and-forth thing on me.  But I wasn’t falling for her tricks.  And I told her so.  Then I started giggling like a loon and when it was my turn up-at-bat I was giggling so much I started sucking wind on my serves, over thinking them, then sucking EVEN MORE wind and was faulting and double faulting everywhere.  After that set was over I apologized to her (she is really such a kind and lovely women except when she’s trying to make me switch sides with her at inappropriate times) about how badly I suck at tennis.  She said that was ok and no need to apologize since it’s just a game, we’re just learning etc. etc.  (See?  Lovely.)  She then asked if I had noticed that she was standing back there with me the whole time I was serving?!  Apparently she forgot to stand up by the net where she was supposed to be.  Methinks someone else might be a little sucky, sucky at tennis too.

And in my most recent tennis practice, the pro was talking about tracking and angles.  OMG!  We’ve graduated to GEOMETRY!!!!  I AM HERE TO PLAY TENNIS NOT TO DO MATH!!!!  GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

So to block out of the tennismatholympics, I started paying WAY too much attention to everyone’s shoes.   I’m now seriously convinced that I’m wearing MEN’S size 10.5 shoes, instead of women’s.  I’ve checked the shoe box they came in three times so far to make sure I didn’t accidentally buy men’s shoes.  But the box still claims to be women’s shoes.  Which is impossible.  Everyone else has reasonably sized feet.  Trust me – I spent the ENTIRE last practice surreptitiously checking them out.  And the official report is that NO ONE’S feet are as big as mine.  No one’s.  Mine look like those floaty boat shoes that folks wear in America’s Funniest Home videos.  The ones where they’re trying to walk on the water using poles for balance??  You know, the ones where the whole boat-shoe-balance-poles arrangement never works?  And the floaty, boat shoe person ALWAYS takes a nosedive into the drink?!?  Yeah.  Those shoes.

And while I don’t walk around with two poles (usually), I do look like I’m about to take a nosedive AT ANY MOMENT because I’m precariously perched on my massive this-plan-is-NEVER-gonna-work floating boat shoes.  Also?  My feet sweat like a sumbitch.

One thought on “Tennis Update

  1. You are hilarious! My feet are a size 10, but graduating to a 10.5. The laughter makes everything alright! But, yes, no wine? That is sacrilegious!!! Keep playing! You need more fodder to write an entire book!

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