The time has come to bring Starbucks’ lack of decaf to New York City’s attention.
Yeah. That’s right. What I just said. Bring it!
But to clarify…did you know that Starbucks STOPS brewing fresh decaffeinated coffee at 2 in the afternoon? This pretty much guarantees that all those fools in there AFTER 2 are drinking full-bore wack juice.
And THAT seems like just the sort of “this has GOT to be bad for you” thing that New York City would want to know about. You know, one of those “this has GOT to be bad for you and it’s really none of our business since you’re an adult, but we’re gonna try to put the kibosh on it anyway” type of deals…along the same lines as massive, sugary Big Gulps.
How do I even know that Starbucks doesn’t brew decaf after 2? ‘Cause I asked for a decaf at about 6:30 p.m. and they told me the whole tale:
Me: “Uhhh…yeah…I’d like a tall decaf coffee please. With room.”
Perky Starbucks Automaton: “Ohhhh – gee, I’m sorry! [while giving me a sooo saaaad frowny-face reserved for only the dumbest of the dumb-dumbs] But we don’t brew fresh decaf coffee after 2 in the afternoon.”
Me: “Uhhh…ok. Can you just find some of the old decaf and warm it up for me?
PSA: “Teeee heee. I could make a cup of Verisimahlollyloolah for you. It brews the perfect cup of coffee every time.”
Me: “I have no idea what you just said, but if it’s decaf, I’m in.”
PSA: “Sure! Again, it’s Verisimahhhh-lolly-looooo-lah [said in the same way my grandmother spoke all foreign languages: English only LOUDER and SLOWWWWER] and it brews the perfect cup of coffee every time.”
Me: “Okaaaay. And again – as long as it’s decaf, I’m in.”
[5 minutes later…I’m THOROUGHLY annoyed at all the nonsense. I just wanted a FREAKIN’ cuppa decaf coffee. Why does it have to be so HARD?!? Thanks for making me feel like an a$$, Starbucks. I already feel intimidated every time I go in there with all the inside jokes that you call “ordering coffee.” I thought I was doing so well knowing about “leaving room” and everything – and then you hit me upside the head with the “no fresh brewed decaf after 2” silliness.]
PSA: “Miss? Because Verisimahlollyloolah brews the perfect cup of coffee every time, I had to put it in a grande cup so that you would have room for milk. Is that ok?”
Ok?? OK??! Screw the coffee! Screw the cup size! Screw the room! She just called me MISS…of COURSE it’s ok!!!
P.S. New York City, there is nothing to see here. Move along.