Sigh of Relief

Why do I breathe such a sigh of relief when the kids leave the house in the morning??  Aren’t these the people I LIVE for afterall?!?

It’s not like I have a job outside the home or anything, so what else am I doing, if not LIVING for THEM?!!?  As a side note:  “A Job Outside the Home” is the euphemism that people use when they just want to ask if you have a “real job.”  I find that when they ask if you have “A Job Outside the Home” it’s best to reply, “No.  But thanks for bringing it up,” while giving them the stink eye.  This accomplishes two things: 1) it shuts ’em up and hurries ’em off while 2) making them think that you have a top-secret tale of death and destruction that can only be shared if they have the proper clearance level.  Which they don’t.  So move along.

Hey!  A little mystery never hurts.  And?  It’s WAAaaay better than the usual soft-shoe, “Well…ya see….I HAD a job…but then they TOOK it…I don’t say LOST it (heh heh heh)…because that makes it sound like I’ll find it eventually with last year’s Christmas decorations (heh heh heh)…blahbity blah BLAH!!!!”

Anywhooo.  Back to me and my sigh of relief.  When I think back to my OWN grade school mornings, I always picture my mother sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.  We’re not even OUT of the house yet, and she already looks like the central figure in that painting by Edgar Degas called The Absinthe Drinker*.  [FYI, “L’Absinthe*” is the official title of the painting.  How do I know this?  In case I haven’t mentioned it before: I HAVE A BACHELOR’S DEGREE IN FRENCH SO HIRE ME ALREADY!!!  And part of getting said bachelor’s degree was to spend every day – for months on end – prowling the museums of Paris.  Every day.  For months.  Yeah – I know.  It was a tough job, but someone had to do it.]

‘Cept in my memory, my mother isn’t wearing the fancy hat and shoes that Madame Absinthe* is wearing.  She’s wearing a housecoat*.  And while Mom is WAY prettier than Madame A*, she does have that same exhausted look on her face*.  Oh – and?  The cup in front of Mom contained COFFEE*.  But I wouldn’t have blamed her if it WAS absinthe*!  She had FIVE kids to get out the door.  I only have TWO.  And living outside my body in the mornings for just TWO little people is utterly, utterly exhausting*.

[SIGH]  Well.  Now they’re gone until 3 p.m.  And me?  I gotta go get another cup ‘a coffee*.

 *Settle down, Sparky.  We all know is wasn’t absinthe in Mom’s coffee cup.  Please don’t even imply (or assume) it was absinthe.  Otherwise Mom won’t be able to show her face around her women’s golf group again now that her knee is feeling better.  So again – for the record – IT WAS NOT ABSINTHE IN HER COFFEE CUP.  IT WAS JUST COFFEE. [stink eye, stink eye]  Now move along.  There’s nothin’ to see here, Folks.