Curling

***Disclaimer – I have the utmost respect for athletes, particularly Olympic athletes.  So if you’re in the Olympics, you rock.  No if, ands, or buts about it.  I have never been, nor will ever be, in the Olympics.  (Unless they create a Crochet category, which I highly doubt they will.  And for the record – no, I did NOT crochet those sweaters the U.S. Team wore which made them all look like they were going to a bad sweater party.  Because I don’t cry cute and I don’t crochet tacky.)  So, Olympic Athletes In Any Sport…go on wit’ yer bad selves!  The world recognizes your incredible God-given talent, not to mention your dedication to your sport-of-choice.  No matter what your sport, you do not deserve mockery.  And this blog is by no means mockery.  It’s just an insightful deconstruction of a totally inscrutable sport.  I should know.  I watched it for an hour yesterday.  And so ends the disclaimer.***

Is it just me or does it seem like all the curlers you know originally wanted to be something else?  Their parents committed them to the Ministry of Sports for the lifelong junior figure skating track, for example.  Until there was an injury.  At which point they became a curler.

But once you’ve made the big decision to become a curler, you have to get an outfit.  What to wear, what to wear?   Find a bowling shirt.  And maybe a matching jacket to go over top.  ‘Cause it gets cold where you’re going.

What will be harder about the outfit is finding the shoes.  You’ll need a pair of shoes, of course, but only one shoe in the pair should be a Heelys.  (Heelys are those shoes with a little roller skate that POPS! out when you call to it with your mind.  But maybe in the case of curling, it’s actually a teeny tiny ice skate rather than a wheel?  This is unknown.)  You need to look like you’re gliiiiiding down the ice with your big rock-with-a-handle while maintaining some semblance of control.  TWO shoes-with-hidden-skates might make you look totally cartoon-y as your feet skitter every which way before you bite dust…er…ice.  So that’s why just ONE shoe-with-hidden-skates is recommended.  Nordstrom’s sells all sorts of mismatched shoes.  So they might be a good bet.  Check there first. 

Then, you learn the international language of curling and use it only when channeling your inner Cinderella’s Stepmother:  SWEEP!  HARD!!  SWEEP HARD, B**CHES!!!  Kidding.  Totally kidding about the b**ches part.  Hubby & I spent an hour watching women’s curling and we never heard anyone yell THAT.  But that would have been fun.  Right, B**ches?!

Be sure to wear your exhausting nights of hard partying and strategy discussion on your face like a university student with a too-full course load, or a mother-of-newborn-twins. 

No less important is learning the scoring system.  Because what seems like a move that would earn points in the rest of the sports kingdom does not earn points in curling.  What’s particularly useful in this instance is to understand the physics of rowdy home crowds and how their shouting and body heat (I shudder to think of it) can possibly melt the ice of your shuffleboard.  Be prepared for contingencies of this nature.

Also?  Look askance at every joke about “getting stoned” or “written in stone.”  Heh-heh-heh.  But consider buying a bumper sticker that says, “Curl up and die.”  Copyright NSAHM 2014 (if that hasn’t been copyrighted before, of course.)

As a next-to-last step, get sponsors.  My suggestion would be Swiffer Sweepers and Heelys.  And possibly Nordstrom’s.

Final stop?  Sochi!

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