You talkin’ tuh me?  You talkin’ tuh ME?!?

‘Cause if the Sochi Winter Olympics had really been “mine,” then the Team Figure Skating competition woulda gone waaaaaay different.

Ida had all the teams board the ice at the same time and just Triple-Lutz away until the last three people were standing.  Gold, Silver, Bronze.  Done.

Barring that, I was kinda hoping it would take on more of an “All Skate” format from the roller skating parties of yore.

Picture it:  “Tainted Love” is blaring from the loudspeakers.  The disco ball is rotating full-speed and you’re in your best designer jeans (or those borrowed from your older sister).  And you’ve got the look.  You’ve got the look I want to know better.  You’ve got the look that’s altogether.  Working.  Playing.  Day or night.  Jordache has the look that’s right.  The Jordache Look*!  The whole gang is whirling past, counterclockwise.  People break off from the pack in onesies and twosies to do some serious damage center rink by showcasing their mad skating skillzzz.  Crouch low (as low as designer jeans will allow), then stretch your left leg straight while supporting it with both hands…GOLD!

Instead?  They just used the Team Figure Skating Competition as an excuse to award the Russians more gold medals.  Annoying.  And totally not my idea.    

MY idea for the Russian figure skating team?  Was to make Evgeni Plushenko get a new haircut BEFORE he got any more golds.  Because, Evgeni?  We’re not doing that with our hair anymore.  That zipper cut with the droopy feathers on either side that you smooth back with a HUGE comb (it’s green and says “Sitt’n Pretty” on the handle…what??  Too much detail?!) which you keep in the back pocket of your Jordache Jeans?  Nope.  We’re not doin’ that.  So stop.  It detracts from all the medals around your neck. 

But I’m not so far gone in my altered the-Olympics-aren’t-really-mine-even-though-they-say-they-are state of mind that I can’t recognize a few good ideas when I see them.  ‘Cause I can. 

Of which ideas do I speak?  How’s THAT for proper English?  Boo-yah!  Gold me up for THAT why dontcha?! 

The idea the set designers had to put all those teams in glass fronted cubby-holes.  I have to admit that I did like that part.  But can you imagine the SMELL in there?!?  Not only was the iceskating-mimes-in-a-box concept super fun, no one even tried to escape from their box as mimes are wont to do.  Also?  Despite the smelly cubbies being only two inches away from each other, there were no International Incidents. 

So kudos, Comrades, on those good ideas.


*”Tainted Love” was originally recorded by Gloria Jones but made famous after being covered by Soft Cell in 1981.  So there’s that.  But did you notice how I slipped in that part about the lyrics from the 80’s Jordache COMMERCIAL?!?  There’s no end to the fun we’re having with this, is there?  Because now we’ve bumped it up a notch by adding COMMERCIALS to the “80’s song for every moment in life” game which we’re playing.  Fun funsters from fun land in the fun house! 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *