And now it’s time for a diatribe few words about Christmas songs and their lyrics:
- All the good Christmas songs have already been sung. There will be no more “classic” Christmas songs created. So Meghan Trainor, I totally LOVED your all-about-that-bass-no-treble stuff, and I can see where you were going with your “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” (although did Santa really call you?! REALLY?? And that was a nice try with the classic TITLE used on a completely DIFFERENT song than Bing used to sing) but you will have to wait another 400 years before your song becomes a “classic” Christmas song. Everyone knows this is the rule on classic Christmas songs. The only, ONLY possible exception to this rule is “Last Christmas I Gave You My heart” by Wham! Well…and also “Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band Aid. But both those songs are from the 80’s and they already have T minus 30 on the 400 year rule. Also? They’re from the 80’s. ‘Nuf said.
- “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” – This song is incredibly awful, especially if you’re NOT in the know on the whole Santa Thang nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Because A) It seriously damages Mommy’s reputation by B) Making her look like a complete floozy. “Will Hook For Toys” would have been a slightly less confusing title for this song, because otherwise why would Mommy be kissing an old man who has milk-and-cookie-breath and who hasn’t changed his suit since classic Christmas carols were new – so we’re talking, what, like 400 years?!? Can you even IMAGINE what was in that beard?!????? Gaaak! I shudder to think.
- “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” – Stop singing this song immediately. STOP! My aversion to this song has nothing to do with Gayle Peevy and everything to so with the fact that there are two words that don’t EVER belong in the same sentence: ‘Hippopotamus’ and ‘Christmas.’ Not only will this never be a classic Christmas song (see Requirement: 400 years above), but actually making this song come true would violate all sorts of international peace treaties and would put the World Wildlife Federation hot on your undersized, completely-out-of-proportion tail. P.S. Start asking for something more realistic. Something that you might actually GET. Like an iTunes gift card or a trampoline. Because you will never, EVER get a Hippopotamus for Christmas. P.P.S. Hippopotamuses don’t really like you too. They were just pretending so that they could get a mention in the song.
- Random, overly talk-y parts in Christmas songs. I’m looking at you here, Willie Nelson, and you too, I suppose, Norah Jones, since you were in on that whole “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” clusterbomb. My daughter’s pet peeve about this song? Is that “the guy singer” sounds “really old and creepy” but the “girl singer” sounds “young.” Allllll true. So let’s add that to the mix of why this Christmas chat-line crap needs to stop. And not that we need it, but one more reason we’re issuing a cease-and-desist order on this? Is because the lyrics “Well, maybe just a cigarette more” do NOT belong in a Christmas song. I thought it was just the one word “Hippopotamus” that didn’t belong in a Christmas song, but it turns out “cigarette” doesn’t belong either. So Mommas? Stop kissing Santy for a sec and listen up: Don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys, or singers with terrible lyrics in their Christmas songs.