Sissy and I were in the car this morning talking about tomorrow’s Superbowl Halftime Show (which is as far as my interest in football goes). I think Adam Levine from Maroon Five is fiiiiine! And incredibly tiny in stature. So he’s not the guy for me since I could hipcheck him into the wall.
She turns to me and she says, “You know how my English teacher likes Roger Federer? Well her historical crush is Thomas Paine!”
Hold up. HISTORICAL CRUSH?! I didn’t even know we were DOING historical crushes!! Don’t we have enough handsome men nowadays that we can leave the Founding Fathers out of it??!
Me: “Really? Was he incredibly good looking or something?”
Sissy, shrugging her shoulders, proceeds to look him up on her phone and we both take a gander. Ok, nope, not incredibly good looking. So to protect her teacher’s taste in men from my censure, she says, “I think she really likes his writing.” Hmmmm…ok, whatever.
But this launches me into thinking aloud about MY historical crush. I’ve never even thought about this before. I didn’t know we WERE thinking about this! But you better believe I’m thinking about it now. As are you. Am I right?
“Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill is hot. But if we can branch out from the Signers of the Declaration of Independence then I’d say Jamie Fraser.”
Sissy immediately vetos this choice since Jamie’s not a real person. But he’s real to me!
Feeling somewhat stupid about my crush on fictional men, I immediately throw my older sister under the bus by saying, “You know who Aunt MiMi* thought was cute when we were younger? Race Bannon! He was Johnny Quest’s bodyguard in the Johnny Quest cartoon.” As this has now become my personal game of pile-on, I continue, “And she also thought Aquaman was cute. The blond one from the 70’s, not the one from the recent movie, though he’s not bad either.” Afterall, Khal Drogo would be my OTHER vote for historical crush!
Sissy: “Ok, enough. No pretend people. Only real ones.”
Me: “Alright, then I’d have to say Johnny Gage.”
Sissy: “Really? Who’s that?!?”
Me: “I’m not sure he’s historical enough, but in the 1970’s he and his partner, Roy DeSoto, were the first paramedics for LA County’s Squad 51 Fire Department.”
Sissy types his name into her phone, sees that I’m talking about Randolph Mantooth from the Emergency tv show and says, “We’re done here. If you can’t be serious talking about your historical crush, then we won’t talk about it at all.”
Well that wrapped up awfully quick. So quick in fact I never got a chance to find out who SISSY’S historical crush is. Also, talking about historical crushes is serious business. You have been warned! Next time bring your A-game and leave the pretend people…and cartoons…behind.
*Name changed to protect weird, cartoon-loving gals.