The Phone Call

It was a dark and stormy night…

It was last night.  Hubby’s plane was due to land any minute.  The phone rings.  I look at Caller ID and the display reads County Sheriff.

Really?  Yeah, right.  My first reaction was to dismiss the whole thing as just one more political phone call – this time it’s probably the Police Chief wanting me to vote for him.  Or with him.

So I hesitated to answer. 

The phone rang again.

It was 9:30, which made it a little late for a political call.  Then it occurred to me that maybe Sonny’s biggest-fear-while-Hubby-is-on-a-business-trip (that Hubby’s plane will crash) has maybe come to pass.  Maybe this is it.  Maybe this is how it plays out.  Maybe instead of showing up at my door like olden times, the cops just CALL me with the terrible news.

I quick grab the phone and answer.

The voice at the other end tells me the Emergency Broadcast System has been engaged and to press “1” for the message.

Uhhh…ok, well, I’m intrigued.  Good job on that.  Let’s hear it.  So I press “1” like a boss.

The woman at the other end announces that two escaped juvenile males are thought to be on foot and IN MY HOUSE.

Wait!  WHAAAAAT?!??! 

Shhhhhh!!!  Stop breathing so loud!!  Ok, ok, phew, not in my “house.”  I overreacted.  In my “area.”  But there’s more.

One is wearing shorts, a gray hoodie and handcuffs.  Sucks to be you, dude, ‘cause it’s cold and you’re wearing shorts.  And also handcuffs. 

The woman goes on to say that the other youth is wearing a hockey mask and is carrying a rusty chainsaw.

Totally kidding about the second youth’s description.  Even though that’s not what was actually said, that’s what I may-as-well-have heard.  Because at that point, I’m picturing escapees from the insane asylum closing in on the house with two sleeping children upstairs and a dipstick dog wanting to go outside to pee.  I’m 100% sure that right after I let the dog out, the escapees are gonna plaster their faces up against my sliding glass door and hold the dog hostage until they gain entry.

Well, I’m hanging up now.  But thanks for calling.  This has been a boatload of laughs.

Ding!  Oh, look.  Hubby just texted.  He landed safely and is on his way home.  Drive safe, Sweetie!  And don’t pick up any suspicious youths loitering outside in the driveway, especially not if they’re attempting to hide their handcuffs in their hoodie.  And please let the dog in when you get home.  I’m going to bed.  G’night.