When I was a freshman in college, there was a girl who lived on my hallway. We called her Chippy. No, not to her face. That would’ve been mean. Just behind her back because her front teeth were HUGE Chiclets and made her look like a chipmunk. Until that one time she got wasted and face planted, teeth first, into the sidewalk on the way home from a frat party. And chipped her front teeth. THEN we called her Chippy to her face!
Well I’m Chippy now. And no, it’s not because of some hilarious drinking incident. It’s because I sew.
Huh? Let me explain.
I went to the dentist today because I chipped my front tooth. I only noticed a few days ago how one front tooth was…shorter…than the other one. And it was all rough on the bottom part. These were all clues to me that I had somehow, somewhere, chipped my tooth. Perhaps recently. Perhaps not. My husband-who’s-known-me-for-25+-years insisted that my teeth have ALWAYS looked like this. Like this? All jagged and uneven?! Thanks, Honey. Give me a smooch.
Anyway, when the hygienist goes to look at my chipped tooth, she SPARKS ME right ON my chipped tooth. The resultant twitching and jerking on my part proceeds to a ten minute conversation on what “sparking” means. She’s not familiar with the word. So I explain how, when I was young, during the winter, I would race around on the fuzzy bathroom rug and spark my little brother and little sister on the front teeth for fun. And to see that weird blue light leap out of my finger. Ha, ha, ha! So fun.
After that explanation, she realized I was talking about something she calls SHOCKING. Not SPARKING. Must be an east coast/west coast thing. Either way, it turns out that getting sparked on your front teeth isn’t super fun like I thought it was.
So – after all the shocking preliminaries heh-heh-heh I finally get to see the dentist. He starts asking me about my paranormal activity. I’m not even kidding. He actually said the words “paranormal activity” to me.
I’m picturing aliens entering my bedroom at night to probe me. He’s picturing something where I do a lot of unnatural or unusual stuff with my front teeth. Sayyyy for example…SEWING! “Do you hold pins between your top and bottom front teeth when you sew?” he asks me.
Oh my gosh I DO!!!! I totally DO!!! D-A-M-P-Q Christmas pillow sewing project! What a waste of a good tooth!!
Turns out, by holding straight pins in my teeth when I sew, I wore down my tooth in a weird PARANORMAL way and made it super chippable. But Dr. Chew was able to file it down so that it’s even shorter now than the other tooth and even MORE noticeably shorter than my other tooth. But SHHHHH! Don’t tell Hubby. We’ll see if he notices in another 25 years.
Also? During the tooth-shortening process, the hygienist mentions how my teeth are “vibrant” (apart from that short, jagged-now-smooth short one, of course). Yeah, right? My thoughts exactly! Who knew we were getting all judge-y with the age of teeth. But apparently mine are very youthful and completely match my complexion and coloring. Holy Crap! That’s awesome!! I’ll take that.
Chippy and her cute teeth are in the house. Whoop, whoop!