Teddy Bear

We have a new puppy dog!  Or as I like to call him – a poopy dog.  Get it?  Ha ha ha.  POOPY??!

That’s because he poops ALL the time.  In ALL the wrong places.  Turns out not so ha ha ha.  I mean…it’s a LOT of poop.  How does all that poop fit in there?!  Is it just our luck to get a dog with a malfunctioning poop device??

The Eightball says:  Signs point to yes!

The dog’s name is Teddy Bear, we’re on Day 3 of his life with us, and I had forgotten how much work puppies are.  But I remember now!  No…now!  NOW!!!  And it’s a good thing I don’t have a job so I can spend all day hovering over him and anxiously letting him out every three seconds only to find I should have let him out two seconds ago!  Gaaaaahhhhh!!!

Anyway, just to make sure we’re all on the same page, I’m sending him an open letter about the rules of this house…

Dear Teddy Bear,

You are as cute as the stuffed animal you’re named after, but cute is only gonna get you so far.  Trust me.  I know what I’m talking about.  So here are some rules you need to remember:

1. Don’t eat the rabbit poop in the back yard.

2. Ditto your OWN poop (grody to the max!!) [No grody is NOT just limited to the 80’s or things that gag you with a spoon.  It’s appropriate for all decades.  It never goes out of style – especially when combined with “to the max.”  And it totally applies here.]

3. The rose bush has prickers on it.  You WILL get stuck.  I’d understand the confusion the first few times.  But we’re up to a dozen plus times now.  Clue in.

4. And stop acting like I’m doing something mean to you in the backyard.  It’s the ROSEBUSH!  See comment above.

5. That switch that changes you from sleepy puppy into racing-around-the-house-freakshow-on-wheels?  We gotta locate that switch and permanently turn it OFF!

6. The bird whistling in the back yard is not your new father calling for you from the computer room.  So you can look through the glass doors of that room all you want.  But he STILL won’t be there.  BECAUSE IT’S A BIRD!!

7. I’ll file all those needle teeth down if I have to.  I’ll do it.  I’m not joking.  (ok, I’m seriously, SERIOUSLY tempted.  But I’m only joking.  So those of you who can actually read this, please don’t call the animal cops, ‘k?  I know who you are.  YOU know who you are.  I’m looking right at ya.  Can you see me?  I can see you.  Get your hand off the phone.)

8. Stop all the itching.  You don’t think it has anything to do with that first bath I gave you, does it??  Btw – sorry about that.  I still feel bad about sending you out to play in the snow afterwards.  HEY-I SAID I WAS SORRY!  Now please stop itching.

9. All boots, mittens, hats, socks, Legos, American Girl dolls, feathers and….uh…HUMAN FINGERS…are OFF LIMITS!!!  In fact, anything that’s not in your food bowl – or is not a sanctioned toy – is off limits.

10. We don’t have to re-enact the After School Special titled “Puppy Finds Girl After Long Separation” EVERY time I go to the bathroom, do we?!  (Hey!  I drink a LOT of coffee.  So sue me!!).  It makes me feel loved and all, but you know what would REALLY make me feel loved?!?  IS IF YOU FOLLOWED ALL THE RULES AND STOPPED POOPING EVERYWHERE!!!!

Love & kisses,

(Mean) Mommy

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