There’s a formula!  Why didn’t anyone tell me there was a formula?!   Instead, you were all like “Noooooo…don’t tell the new chick about the formula!  She’s all ‘smart’ and ‘observant’ she’ll figure it out on her own.  Eventually.”

Well, I’m on to you.  I have totally figured it out.  So screw you!  And just to show you who’s boss, I’m gonna tell the world.  Hey, World!  Here it is!!  Here is the stay at home mom what-happens-with-your-time formula (or for-mew-ler as my mother and Plankton from SpongeBob SquarePants would say):

fx: [insert time period here], I was going to (fill in the blank) but instead  (fill in the blank) and as a result (fill in the blank) .  NOTE TO SELF:(fill in the blank)     

Using this morning as an example, the for-mew-ler might read something like this:

This morning, I was going to go for a nice, long run and therefore avoid the cleaning ladies so I was dressed in my stankest running gear but instead my daughter “petted” a drowsy bee while she was waiting for a.m. carpool and Surprise!  She ended up getting stung and as a result while I was performing triage on her pinky at the kitchen sink with a copper penny and some baking soda, the carpool left and I had to drive her to school myself.  At which point I was conned into joining some other moms for coffee.  They were all dressed to the nines because they were going to mass after coffee.  And then to lunch at a new place they’ve been wanting to try.  Did I mention the stankity stank stankness of my running gear?  NOTE TO SELF: do not EVER join people for coffee when you look and feel (and clearly smell) like an a$$! 

You see it, right?  You totally see what I’m talking about, right?!  I’m absolutely on to something and to prove the point, I’ll use the for-mew-ler on yesterday as well…

Yesterday, I was going to clean the entire house and finally be done with the cleaning ladies and all of the guilt they engender but instead aliens abducted me  during my key housecleaning hours (from 9 to 2) and when I became aware of time again, I was so sleepy I had to “rest my eyes” for a bit and as a result I was late picking up afternoon carpool despite my mad dash through town.  And I had a bad case of bedhead which I don’t think I covered up very well even though I employed some excellent and creative finger-combing.  NOTE TO SELF: keep a baseball cap in the car.

Ok, now it’s your turn.  You try it.