The Theory of Everything

Ok.  Maybe not the theory of EVERYTHING…just the theory of Peeps.  MY theory of Peeps.  But ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!  Made ya look, made ya look, stole your mother’s pocketbook.  Kicked it in, kicked it out, kicked it in the sauerkraut!

Just like sauerkraut, Peeps are very polarizing.  There’s no middle ground.  Ask anyone their opinion about sauerkraut and they’ll either act like we’re discussing their most precious, warmest, fuzziest thumb-suckin’ blankie thingie from toddlerhood or they’ll visibly recoil like you’ve just presented them with a severed head.  Ask anyone and you’ll get either a “love it” or “hate it” response.

Peeps.  You know, Peeps.  Those little florescent-colored marshmallow chicks that you see at Easter.*  Just like sauerkraut, people fall into two camps here – the ones who love ‘em and the ones who hate ‘em.  Except in the case of Peeps, people who say they love ‘em are LIARS!!!

They LIE!!!  They LIE like a ROOMFUL OF RUGS!

Because NO ONE can like Peeps.

They taste like nothing and have the texture of beach sand.  What would be the point of something like that?!?

And I don’t care that there are Peeps RECIPES and NEW FLAVORS and more SHAPES and an entire raging debate about “stale vs. fresh,” it’s just a smokescreen to cover up the fact that everyone hates Peeps.

Hates ‘em.  Just like severed heads.  Oh I LOVE severed heads.  See?  No.  No one says that.  EVER.

And if you write in and say you do actually love Peeps, or that you’re going to report me to the Peeps peeps, then we’ll all know that’s code for how much you hate Peeps.  And it’s further code for how the Peeps peeps should be arrested and made to play in a sandbox when they’re hungry so they can see what it tastes like.

Now, please, not another PEEP out of you.


*Happy Easter by the way.  You know what I especially love about Easter?!  Unlike Christmas, where Santa’s arrival is super chancy due to the whole flawed human interpretation of “good” and “bad,” Jesus always comes again at Easter.  Always.  Yep, love that.  But you know what I DON’T love??  Peeps.

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