I recently handed a waitress my driver’s license, to which she replied, “Oh my GAWD!  What are you WEARING in this PICTURE?!?”

Aw, no, Home Slice.  You don’t get to say that to me.  Because what I’m wearing completely rocked the house.  Back in the year 2000.  But still… 

I had just moved to Colorado and I was on my way to a job interview when I had to stop off at the DMV to get my license.  So I’m wearing my very best Banker’s Blue double breasted skirt suit (complete with blue spectator pumps but those don’t show in the picture) and a scarf with cream and blue circles on an alternating blue and cream background.  Awesome Sauce!  And yes, we were very matchy-matchy then.  I know we’re not as matchy-matchy now, in modern times, so it’s something I’m working on, thanks for asking.  I was also just getting used to the weather in the new state, so my hair is a disaster and looks like I have a head full of jacked up dolly hair that was styled with the wrong brush.  In addition, I wasn’t sure where to look during the picture so when the DMV employee told me to look “there,” I asked, “where?” and she caught me with my mouth open.  Again – it bears repeating – Awesome Sauce.  Yes, the more I say it, the more you’ll believe it.

But what you (and the waitress) don’t know is that the State of Colorado, in some license anti-fakery move, put two gold state emblems on either side of my scarf.  Set just…right.  So in low light, at the proper angle, it actually looks like I’m wearing HUGE 80’s shoulder pads (I…AM…Iron Man!) topped off with epaulets dripping gold fringe everywhere.

In fact, I onetime saw LaToya Jackson at the Straw Market in Nassau, Bahamas circa 1989 and she was wearing this EXACT blue-blazer-with-shoulder-pads-and-epaulets combo.  And a cruise liner captain’s hat with insignia and gold braiding. 

So “THAT” is what I am wearing for all of posterity.  Except for the captain’s hat.  That wasn’t me, that was LaToya.  But I see now I SHOULD have been wearing a hat.  It would have covered up my totally ratchet wig.  And?  It also would have “brought out” the gold in my epaulets in just that matchy-matchy way I like.