The Kentucky Derby is tomorrow. And I choose my horses the way I choose lots of other important things in life: based on some complicated-yet-intuitive combination of name and color of jockey silks. But who doesn’t, really.
Where I was actually going with all this is that I saw a simply scintillating news piece this morning on the Today Show about the Kentucky Derby. Al Roker interviewed Donna Brothers who demonstrated how – during a horserace like the Derby – the jockeys will wear upwards of six pairs of goggles. And how, when the jockeys realize they aren’t wearing ENOUGH goggles once the race has started, they begin to “conserve” their goggles by stripping them off one-eye-at-a-time. So that at any given point in time, one eye is completely muddy. And one eye is somewhat muddy.
Uhhh…either this is a brilliant plan. Or just a really, really hard way to get ‘er done.
Also? Does it remind anyone else of their slog-through-life as a new stay at home mom (not a new mother, just a new stay at home mom) who STILL hasn’t found another job after she misplaced her old one with the Christmas decorations? And who doesn’t really even WANT another job but instead secretly just wants to be a witty, talented (highly-paid) blogger? No?! Just me on that one???
Because truth be told, I can’t see sh*t. I couldn’t see sh*t when I started this thing, and I can’t see sh*t now that I’m halfway through – not to mention that sinking feeling in my stomach which means I’m probably not wearing enough goggles to make it to the finish line. If this stage of my life had a title it would be, “My Goggles: All crapped up and fading fast.”
But let’s not lose sight did you catch THAT? That pun about sight and SIGHT?!? Hardy, har, har on that. See: blogger – witty, talented above of the most important thing here. Which is: what’s everyone doing about their teeth? Because whatever’s getting in your eyes has GOT to be getting all over your teeth. And since the goggles aren’t doing squat for me anyway, I think I’ll shift them down a few inches to cover my teeth. That way, when the race is over, my smile will be megawatt. And the rest of the jockeys ,who were so worried about where they were going (and didn’t trust the horse to take ‘em there, fast) will look like a bunch of English people from a Charles Dickens’ novel hopin’ for more porridge. Please sir, mightn’t I have another?? [And please, People-from-England, do not contact me about the negative stereotype of your teeth which I have perpetuated in this blog. You should have taken better care of your teeth. Bundles of twigs rubbed on your rotted nubbins every fortnight clearly didn’t do the trick and now your reputation is ruined.]
So on this Kentucky Derby Eve, I would like to recall the fun game we play together. The fun game where 1980’s songs pop into our heads prompted by any random thing, at any point in time, for any reason at all. Remember how we called that game “An 80’s song for every moment in life?!?” Well…it’s run for the roses, as fast as you can. Your fate is delivered; your moment’s at hand. It’s the chance of a lifetime, in a lifetime of chance. And it’s high time you joined in the dance. [This is ANOTHER reason I’m keeping my teeth clean; There’ll be a dance afterwards.]
And yes, those ARE the lyrics from Dan Fogelberg’s “Run for the Roses.” The song was commissioned by ABC for the 106th running of the Derby in 1980. It was subsequently released as a song on Fogelberg’s album The Innocent Age in 1981. Every single thing about that screams 80’s.
And I win this round of our fun game. Dark Horse? Long shot?? Trifecta of FUN??! Whatever horse race-y term you wanna call it, I still win. And I’ll see you at the dance afterwards. You’ll recognize me because I’ll be holding a red rose between my nice…clean…TEETH!