Remember that “thing” from a few weeks ago? That “thing” my mother asked me not to tell anyone about?? Well, since you’re such a bunch of Nosy Parkers (say it the way my mother would say it with her New Hampshire accent. It’s funnier that way. Nosy Paah-kuhs. See? Funny.) It’s time for me to tell you about it.
Be gosh and Begorah! My mother’s birthday is today. Top O’ The Mornin’ to ya, Mum! And Happy St. Patrick’s Day. (The title of this blog is “St. Patrick’s Day” in GAELIC! I know, it’s a total wonder to me TOO why no one has hired me yet.)
And for her birthday, my husband has suggested that we get my mother a chart. Of time zones. So she will STOP calling us at 5:30 in the morning say maw-nin’ as in: red sky in the maw-nin’, sailors take wah-nin’ with some cockamamie excuse that she got OUR timezone confused with Aunt Betty’s timezone and thought we were only ONE hour behind Eastcoast time. Yeah, ‘cause a call at 6:30 a.m. woulda been waaaay better.
This birthday timezone chart would indicate to my mother that we are actually TWO hours behind her timezone in Virginia. And that we have ALWAYS been TWO hours behind her timezone in Virginia. Well, not always, but for the last FOURTEEN YEARS since we moved to Colorado.
That’s it. That’s all I have to say. Other than this: When my mother calls at 5:30 in the morning, and we don’t answer, uhhhh, because the phone is all the way downstairs and…it’s 5:30 IN THE MORNING!!! she automatically assumes we’re on the computer.
She will even leave that in her message, “Well, it’s 7:30 my time and I can’t get ahold of you. You must be on the computer.” (Compew-dah. Still funny.)
Ok. At the dawn of computers, yes, that was a problem. You couldn’t be on the computer AND on the phone. If you called someone who was on the computer, you’d get a busy signal or go straight to voicemail.
Now that we’re in the future, however – and computers are connected through a complex network of tinfoil hats and airwaves (this explanation is skirting much too close to math for my comfort so I’ll stop) – computers no longer have anything to do with the phone. Or the phone line. And if “people” aren’t answering the phone; it’s not because they’re on the compewdah. It’s because you’re calling at FIVE THIRTY IN THE MAWNIN’!
Glad we could clear that up. And all blogging aside, my mother is actually a super (soo-pah!) lady. Truly lovely. Kind and gentle and an example to all of a faith-filled life. Wife of 50+ years, mother of five, grandmother of six.
But she has this habit! This habit of saying everything five times. We think it’s because she has five kids. So if she says something five times, she’s done her duty. It doesn’t matter if she tells all five kids one time; or one kid five times. As long as it comes out of her mouth five times, the deed is done. So, following in that great tradition…Mom, for the fifth time – Colorado is TWO HOURS BEHIND VIRGINIA. Are we done now?
P.S. Your timezone chart is in the mail. Happy Birthday! And thanks for being such a good spawt about all this. I love you.