Down the toilet

Gaaack!  gaaaAAACCKKKK!!!

Good Lord!

I have to get my cleaning ladies back at all costs!!!

Both kids have a sleepover coming up & I was just gonna change the guest beds in each of their rooms.  Two hours, two bedrooms and two bathrooms later and I’ve decided that a cleaning lady is worth ANY amount of money.

I sit here shuddering, trying to unsee things that should never have been seen in the first place…including my son’s bathroom.

First off, my brilliant decision to use rubber gloves, specifically the rubber gloves I use when I spray paint, may have complicated  this whole issue.  The last thing I painted was a brass light fixture.  Brown.

So, armed with my gloves, I bit the bullet and used that weird, rancid scrubby brush thing LEFT OVER FROM THE PREVIOUS OWNERS to clean the inside of the toilet.  And then I used antibacterial wipes to clean all the other parts of the toilet that an 8 year old boy uh…uses (“uses” is the only euphemism I can come up with here for the horrible, horrible things that happen to that toilet).

So I’m wiping the toilet seat down and the more I wipe, the more I notice all these brown specks all over the place.  So then my mind races about where all these brown specks are coming from.

It’s important to note here that I approach toilet-cleaning the same way I approach spider-killing.  Arms straight, elbows locked, head turned so you can only glimpse things out of the corner of your eye, the maximum amount of paper product between you and your nemesis all the while screaming in your head F*#K!  S%^T!!  F*#k s%^t f*#k s%^t s%^t sht sht sht ttttttttt!!!  tttga tga gaaaack!

And then I start to gag.

Picture it.  The most swear words in the world are running around in my head (and maybe coming out of my mouth.  Unless my mom is reading this, in which case they weren’t) because I believe I am wiping fecal matter all over the toilet while trying to clean the toilet.  Gaaack!  gaaaAAACCKKKK!!!

Oh.  Wait.  It’s just the old spraypaint flaking off of my gloves.  Oy.  Nothing to see here folks.  Move along.

So while the toilet seat turned out to be a non-issue (well – as far as gagging, shuddering and wanting to poke your eyes out afterwards can be a non-issue), I did uncover a stuffed-animal-hair-cutting ring that’s been operating out of my son’s bathroom.  Why would I think that?  Well…probably the round-tip scissors lying there along with approximately a MILLION tufts of red and purple hair scattered all over the countertop tipped me off.  I’m sleuth-y like that.  As a side note – fake fur is a total SOB to clean up.  Also, I did notice some oddly familiar brown tufts in and amongst the purple and red.  And my son IS wearing his bangs to the other side lately.  Hmmmm….

At the end of the 2 hours, I found that one has to take a shower because housecleaning is hard work.  Is this how my cleaning ladies used to clean my showers back when I had housecleaners??  Saving it for last because they were all hot and sweaty and…naked?!?

After the shower, while I’m pondering how I used to have a special coating on the shower door but the dastardly Scrubbing Bubbles must have weeeeeeee’ed it right down the drain with them, I notice brown flaky stuff all over my bathroom countertop.

OMG!  OMG!!!?

I was so worried about protecting my hands from fecal matter (and really, in the end, so smug.  So very, very smug.  Because hey – I have a MASTER’S degree.  How hard can housecleaning be if you have a MASTER’S degree?!?) that it never occurred to me that I shouldn’t use the same gloves to clean the sinks and faucets and countertops THAT I JUST USED TO CLEAN THE TOILETS!!  WITHOUT WASHING THEM IN BETWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F*#K!  S%^T!!  F*#k s%^t f*#k s%^t s%^t sht sht sht ttttttttt!!!  tttga tga gaaack!  gaaaAAACCKKKK!!!

I’m pretty sure I’ve single-handedly sickened my whole family with E.coli poisoning.

Cleaning ladies – 1.  Stay at home mom – 0.

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