A few words of advice…
If you’re gonna participate in an “away” soccer tournament (four hours through the mountains of Colorado and down the other side where the landscape looks like you traveled to a whole ‘nother PLANET!), please make sure it’s not going to rain THE ENTIRE TIME!
Oh – and also? Please make sure you don’t…uh…SUCK!!!
To the parents of the other girls on the team: when I say “suck” I’m not referring to your daughter. Nor am I necessarily referring to mine.
In general, I’m referring to the weird team dynamic that caused the girls to take what was essentially a great, hard-fought season – and a worthy battle in the first game of the tourney – and completely lose their soccer marbles and basically blow chunks every game thereafter.
I mean, come on! You parents were right there with me when I suggested that WE take the field to “show ’em how it’s done!” Granted, we would have looked a little “off” in what would have been blue, too-tight belly shirts, but we could have shown them the error of their ways. Pass. Talk. Defend. Run fast. Go to the ball. Be aggressive. B-E aggressive. B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E! NO MORE SWIMMING IN THE HOTEL POOL DURING “BREAKS”!! And don’t get bit by any more mosquitoes WHILE ON THE SOCCER FIELD because now you have weird malarial symptoms and warm, red bumps everywhere.
Gaaaah!!! Really, when they make those lists of “Life Stressors” – along with “Job Loss” on the top 5 – they need to add “Soccer Tournaments.” More specifically, “Watching your daughter play goalie the entire time the team is LOSING a Soccer Tournament ON ANOTHER PLANET!” Seriously, there is nothing more stressful than that.
I’m not really even sure how they lost the tournament. I did everything right. I got a hotel room for two nights. I bought every meal out. I bought two tanks of gas. I packed the entire house and all worldly snacks into the car. I cobbled together a dog-sitting scenario for the puppy we had to leave behind. I bought the blue hair chalk and applied it to my daughter’s head before every game. I wore the blue rally nail polish and had her do the same. I dressed in super cute outfits because somehow they were keeping the rain at bay DURING the games. I yelled insanely from the sidelines. I drank with the other parents every night. What more do you want from me, Soccer Gods?!!?
Oh. Ok. Speaking of insane. I’m kinda sounding that way right now, aren’t I?!
And what’s that you say?? It’s not even about ME?!??!
Well, that’s weird. But ok. I’ll stop.
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