Shelf Elf

Do you know about this scam?  This Christmas Scam where a weird elf dressed in red, with a startlingly cheery smile plastered on his plastic face shows up at your house on December 1st

Helllllooooo!  [That was a creepy hello.  Said the same way the Shelf Elf would say it – in a high-pitched Creep Factor 100 voice.  It was NOT a ‘whoop, whoop, let’s get the party started’ hello.  ‘Cause it ain’t no party when the Shelf Elf comes to roost.  No party a’tall.  For ME at least.] 

The first time he shows up (with an expensive book in tow), the kids in the house get to name him.  Ours is named Roberto.  Don’t ask.  Don’t EVEN ask.  It’s my theory that they actually meant to name him Sebastian (‘cause that’s a BETTER name for an elf than Roberto?!?).

But once Roberto shows up for the season, you then have to spend the next 24 days watching him squirrel around the house. 

Surprise!  Now he’s sitting on the mantel in the family room.  Where he can see the WHOLE family.  All at once.  And keep an EYE on EVERYONE.  And in fact FOLLOW you with his eyes as you move around the room.  Hellllloooooo.

Surprise!  Now he’s in the Christmas tree, hidden amongst the ornaments.  Oh, that Roberto!  Isn’t he a gas?!

Surprise!!  Now he’s lying on your pillow, staring at you when you wake up.  And sucking your soul out of your mouth.  Hellllloooooo.

Oh, how much FUN we have figuring out where he’s going to be tomorrow!!!

And when I say ‘fun’ I mean it in a terrible burden, drag-your-spirits-down-into-your-winter-boots sort of way.  In which you constantly have to have the Shelf Elf’s next move in the back of your mind.  Every Day.  For TWENTY-FOUR DAYS.  And then you wake up in a panic at 3 a.m. because for ONE SECOND the Shelf Elf slipped your mind and you forgot to move him to his next location before you went to bed.  And if he doesn’t show up in another impossible place come morning (hanging from the chandelier in the front hall?  Roberto!  How did you get up there, you rapscallion?!?), the kids will be crushed.

Also?  This ding-a-ling has extra CLOTHES you can now purchase for an exorbitant price.  Will he be making cookies today while the kids are at school?!  Then he should be wearing the Shelf Elf chef’s hat and matching apron and have his adorable wooden rolling-pin in hand when they come home.  With a darling little smudge of flour on his cheek.

Jackass!!!!  You frickin’ JACKASS SHELF ELF!!!!! 

And really?  REALLY??  If your kids can’t put two-and-two together…hmmm, Mom AND Shelf Elf were home alone ALL DAY today, and Shelf Elf changed his clothes and MADE COOKIES, and Mom was none the wiser?!??…and come up with Shelf-Elf-is-a-lie, then you should send them to live in a shoddily constructed house in the backyard.

Better yet, YOU should go live out back.  As punishment for making it really, REALLY hard for the rest of us to get through the Christmas season with our sanity intact.

And whatever you do?  Don’t TOUCH the Shelf Elf!  My mother – who didn’t know the Shelf Elf rules – turned him around one time in front of the kids.  Based on all of the weeping and wailing that ensued, you would have thought she told them to line up for dismemberment and to choose which hand or foot they wanted lopped off.

But in her defense, she just wanted to stop seeing his smarmy smile and haunted house eyes following her around the room already.

But a word to the wise.  If you TOUCH the Shelf Elf, all of his magic runs out.  And he can’t get back to Santa by Christmas Eve to report on your sucky, sucky behavior during the season.  So DON’T TOUCH THE *^%# SHELF ELF.

Yes.  Yes!  I’m on to something here.  Actually LEAVE the Elf on the shelf.  Step away from the ELF!!!  Let him grow old and wizened.  With a long, white beard.  Buy THAT outfit for whatever they’re charging, no matter the cost.  Oh, look kids.  Shelf Elf has grown too old to go on.  We should KICK HIS A$$ TO THE CURB AND SAY “GOOD RIDDANCE!”

Who’s with me?!  Mothers Against Shelf Elves…Unite!!!  

Now, please click the link to the right to purchase your old-and-wizened Shelf Elf costume.  Checks can be made payable to me and every costume comes with a long white, elf-sized beard and arrives before Christmas. 

One thought on “Shelf Elf

  1. Where is the link to send our shelf elf in for either a) dismemberment or b) toy heaven (depending on the rating of your blog)

    Alternatively, what is the nominal fee for a Guido Shelf Elf to create concrete shoes for my shelf elf? Will those be shipped to me in advance so I can prepare my shelf elf, prior to shipment? Do you have package deals? (Shackles, blind fold, and last cigarette)

    Best Regards,

    Mr. I-want-a-hit-on-my-shelf-elf

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