Martha Stewart Craft Zombie

I got an urgent email from Michael’s yesterday.  [Ya know.  Michael’s.  It’s a craft store.  Because I’m a crafter.  And sometimes there’s urgent craft news.]

It simultaneously got me excited and made me feel bad.

I felt bad because: No, I’m not following Michael’s on Pinterest.  I just can’t bring myself to do the Pinterest thing.  I’m afraid I might go overboard and no one would EVER be able to haul me back into the boat.  So I totally avoid it.  Which is the same approach I use with coupons.  Because if I ever started, I would quickly go “extreme” and that would be all she wrote.

But by not following them on Pinterest – Michael’s tells me that I’m “missing out.”  Gaaah!  That makes your stomach drop too, right?  Don’t YOU hate to miss out??  Especially on perfect Mother’s Day gifts…FOR LESS?!??

However.  On a positive note, there were some fun crafts listed in the email.  The one that caught my eye was the “Martha Stewart Crafts (trademark thingie) Mother’s Day Terra Cotta Pots.”

Now…if you recall…Martha and I have a love/hate relationship.  I mostly hate her and she has no idea who I am.  But once in a while I fall for her insidious lies and I think I love her again.  Case in point?  The Mother’s Day Terra Cotta Pots.  I was mesmerized by them.  Compelled by them.  Drawn to them the way a zombie is drawn to the smell of humans.  Stumbling and bumbling after them through the woods even though they are moving WAY faster than I am.  And are carrying torches (which can burn.  Torches BAAAD.).  Then we get to the house with the boarded up windows and…I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE!  LET ME IN!!!!

Like the sucker-for-all-things-Martha-Stewart craft zombie that I am…I tripped through the woods after her and her terra cotta pot nonsense.  I mean, these things are DARLING!  Creamy white.  With muted floral stencils on them!!  I WANT THEM!  I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE…LET ME IN!!!!

I already have a gift for my mother…but I could plant herbs in the pots and place them on my OWN windowsill.

[Side Note:  “I say HHHHERbs…because it’s the way the English say HHHHERbs,” says Martha.  See?!   Insufferable.  You hate Martha a little now too, don’t you?  And is anyone else picturing row-upon-row of balding accountants with their feet stuck in the dirt as they say HHHHERbs??  No?  Just me?!  Anyway…you know what else I have to confess??  I NEVER rotate my feather beds in all 20 of the bedrooms in my country estate every equinox-because-it’s-easy-to-remember.  But shhhhh…don’t tell Martha.  Just shoot her.  Or shoot me.  Either way, just shoot.  Shoot to kill!]

Anyway – I could plant HHHHERbs in pots and place them on my OWN windowsill.  And I could be surrounded by darling HHHHErb pots WHILE I’m cooking with fresh HHHHERbs.  AND while I’m saving money by cooking with fresh HHHHERbs, I could be darling.  Living a charmed, darling life.

OR?  I could give them to charming friends as darling birthday gifts filled with fresh HHHHERbs since the homemade scarf thing has run its course (and also it’s Spring, so wool-scarf-gifts don’t work anymore, let’s admit it.).

The craft dream-of-what-could-be prompted me to read the “Project Sheet” which went a little something like this:

Step 1: Buy three terra cotta pots and all the dumb, expensive Martha Stewart Craft (trademark thingie) crap you can find in the paint aisle of Michael’s.  And if it’s called Wedding Cake, Beach Glass Satin, Spring Pasture, Scallion or Jonquil, then buy two.

Step 2: Base coat all three pots with Wedding Cake.  Allow to dry.

Step 3: After boarding the bus to Stencil Crazy Town, stencil the smallest pot with a rose using Beach Glass Satin; then stencil the medium-sized pot with leaves (use Spring Pasture first and then layer a single leaf using Scallion – GAAAAHHH!  What?!?); then on the largest pot, stencil a rose in Jonquil (Wait!  A rose OR a jonquil??  No, a rose IN Jonquil, which is a Martha Stewart trademarked color.  SHOOT ALREADY.  SHOOOOOT!!!!).  When dry, stencil the stems ON the Jonquil ROSE with Spring Pasture.  (Oh. Em. Gee!!!  Why is there so much stenciling?!???  Why are the paint colors named such annoying names???  Why do I fall for this crap EVERY TIME?!??  Why has no one taken aim yet?!?)

Step 4: Once you’re done with the total B.S. of Martha Stewart Crafts (trademark thingie) and her nonsensical paint names and her stencil crazy town, then…Oh.  Wait.  Hmmmm – I don’t think I’ll be making these after all.  Because.  That’s right.  I HATE MARTHA STEWART!!!!

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