Annabelle

Have you seen the commercial for this movie?  No, neither have I.  Because every time it comes on, I close my eyes (tight) and plug my ears nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah until someone with the remote changes the channel and notifies me of same.

But I do always….just…catch that one glimpse of Annabelle’s completely banged up doll face before my eye-squinch commences.  And it’s the WORST doll face that ever came out of Doll Land.  Yet the woman receiving the doll as a gift from her husband (yes, this is still all part of that one glimpse of the commercial which is permanently BURNED into my retinas) acts like it’s the loveliest dream-gift-come-true.  Oh, Honey, THANK you!

Which makes me think, “Ok, chick.  You’re a moron because I and the million other people who wish we hadn’t caught that glimpse of the commercial can clearly see the ring of gore all around the doll’s mouth which makes it a complete certainty that it’s been feasting on hapless victims since it rolled off the gore-mouths-r-us doll assembly line.  Also?  Your death wish husband is an a$$ for giving you a gift like that.”

Now I’m the first to admit that there are some banged up dolls; Dolls that have been loved beyond their limits of endurance.  For example, my daughter’s dolls from back in the day?  Loved beyond their individual thresholds of loveliness.  Let’s see….there was Tuna Fish Binky Baby.  She had a binky permanently stuck in her mouth that Sissy would endlessly try to pull out and suck on, and when that failed, would resort to tandem sucking sessions.  (All the tugging – and sucking – does take a toll on one’s face.)  And then there was Browny Brown Tuna Fish.  She was…er…African American.  (I hesitated there because I didn’t want you to think Sissy was a racist when she was three.  The doll WAS brown.)  Sissy tried too many times to brush that doll’s hair with the wrong brush and it just went way wonky after that. 

And on and on and on.  [And as a fun side note, apart from the Creep Factor Five Thousand doll twins named Nancy and Fancy, every other one of my daughter’s dolls had “Tuna Fish” as a key component of its name.  I’m not sure why.  We’ve never figured it out.  And then Sissy conveniently “forgot” why she named all the dolls Tuna Fish once she became a sentient being.  So the mystery remains.] 

(And no, for you in the corner with your hand raised, no, Sissy actually HATES tuna fish and always has.  But nice try.)

Despite all that, Sissy never, EVER had a doll as ratchet as Annabelle.  Annabelle is not one of those dolls that got all ratchet-y because she was LOVED too much.  She’s all ratchet-y because she KILLS PEOPLE too much with her MOUTH. 

So really, according to all known doll naming conventions, wouldn’t a better name for Annabelle be: Tuna Fish Death is Coming?  Or how’s about: Gore Mouth Tuna Fish??

Who knows?  Who cares.  Hopefully we’ll never find out.  Because Husbands of the World?  Ok, really just my husband, If you EVER bring a doll like Gore Mouth Tuna Fish into our house?  And GIVE it to me as a PRESENT?!?  I will absolutely let it eat your neck.  Now change the channel already.   Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah

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