A Trip to the DMV (Subtitled: Happy Birthday to Me)

It’s my birthday today.  Happy Birthday to me.  Which means my driver’s license expires today.  Which means that for the first time in FIFTEEN YEARS, I had to daytrip to the DMV to renew it.

And that 1.5 hours the DMV and I had right there renewing my driver’s license was fun, wasn’t it?

No.  Actually, it wasn’t.  Because while the DMV has gone all high-tech with that nice robot lady announcing everyone’s numbers, she somehow managed to get to number 321 before calling my number, 292.  This waitfest afforded me plenty of opportunity to watch the magic unfold.

As a result, I was able to identify a key opportunity for improvement in the process: GET MORE FRICKIN’ CAMERAS ALREADY, DMV!  Because that ONE camera being shared by Windows A, B, C through-and-including Window S??  That right there is jackin’ up your sci-fi system; Makin’ it all present-day and stuff.  The resultant two-step license renewal process is…amazing.  And by “amazing” I mean “a complete clusterbomb of massive proportions.”  Especially that part where the guy with two hard casts – one on each leg – who assured the DMV employee the FIVE TIMES she asked, that he COULD drive a car with those casts on each leg, I think he lied to her.  Because it took him a good half hour to slide down ONE window to get his picture taken.  I can’t even IMAGINE how he’s gonna drive a car by moving that slowly.  So it’s a good thing they let him have plenty of head start with his new license before they turned the rest of us loose.  Otherwise that parking lot run-in wadn’t gone be purty.

Happy birthday to me. 

It wasn’t all doom and gloom though.  I did especially enjoy (finally) getting my number called.  It kindof made me feel like Prim during the Reaping, except Katniss wasn’t there to take my place.  But as I approached my designated DMV plexiglass window with the little talk-y hole in it, the “help me” etched on the inside of the window did seem a bit concerning.  Ha, ha, just kidding about the “help me” thing.  But the window arrangement did make me feel somewhat like a prisoner on visiting day, especially when the DMV man made me pick up the phone to talk to him all quiet-like.  What was really cool about that was how he didn’t invite me to pick up the phone until AFTER I had already shouted out my height and weight to a roomful of strangers.  Yeah, cool.  That was really cool.

Happy BIRTHDAY dear meeee. 

But once we got on the phone, he kept me on the phone even WHILE I was taking the eye test.  That’s gotta be like a circus trick or something – talking quietly on the phone, while placing your face INTO the grody machine that hasn’t been sanitized since it was installed in ’72.  Oh, I place my face right here where the greasy nose marks are?  Got it.  And if the eye test machine hasn’t been cleaned in who knows how long, can you imagine what E.coli I was picking up from the PHONE?!?  Gaaaack!

Once visiting hour was over, I had to get back in line and wait for the One Camera Wonder to take my picture.  And at the end of ALL that?  I didn’t even get a new license.  I just got my old license handed back to me, destroyed, and a half-slip of paper to carry around with the destroyed old license.  They also gave me this parting advice: If the new license doesn’t come in a week, come back to the DMV so they can check to see what happened.

Yep.  That there’s real good advice.

Happy birthday to me…

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